


FOR THE LOVE OF A FRIEND

by vanhunks



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-21 21:39:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8261254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanhunks/pseuds/vanhunks
Summary: In a certain universe, Voyager travels a further 23 years before they reach the Alpha Quadrant. Chakotay is married to Seven. Then she dies and he grieves his loss.  How far would Kathryn go to help her dearest friend?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was first posted in 2003 and is in 12 parts. For readers old and new!

* * *

The light was at ten percent illumination in sickbay when Kathryn Janeway entered.  Somehow, she had expected it. There was a silence that hung in the air, yet it carried with it the soft strains of an ancient hymn of sorrow. It touched her as it had touched everyone in the last few hours. Her eyes were riveted to the biobed and the figure that lay on it, to the man who sat with bowed head in a chair next to the bed. Her footsteps quickened and the EMH glanced up distractedly before continuing, briskly touching panels and monitoring read-outs.

Kathryn gazed first at the patient, then at the man who sat hunched in the chair. His face showed little emotion, but the lines around his mouth were tight, white, like a wanderer in the desert long deprived of water. His large hand covered that of the still figure on the bed, his thumb stroking it in an uneven, jerky motion. She  touched his shoulder gently and her heart contracted painfully when he stiffened at her touch.

"We've arranged the memorial service for 1700, Commander."

"No!" the denial burst from him. "She's not dead!"

"Chakotay..."

"Can't you see?" Chakotay pleaded as he spared Kathryn a sorrowed glance, eyes in which the black night had come to stay. Her hand left his shoulder and she turned to look at the woman. Seven appeared pale, the stiffness of death already setting in. Yet her face appeared peaceful. Ironic, considering the violent manner of her demise.

"He won't let me cover her face, Captain," the EMH said, finally moving to the small incubator nearest the console he was working at.

"You have your daughter to think of now, Chakotay," Kathryn said quietly, her heart breaking for her friend. "She's needs you."

Chakotay eyes were hollow as he gazed almost unseeingly at her. Hollow and fierce and angry. Her words seemed to have washed over him and he frowned as if he couldn't understand their importance. From the moment Seven of Nine was beamed into sickbay, Chakotay had not once directed his attention to the new-born infant. The doctor pressed his frame between her and Chakotay. 

"Commander, I have to prepare the body for its last rites - "

"Just a few minutes... Just let me stay with her a few minutes, please..."

The Doctor glanced at Kathryn. Chakotay was falling apart. In truth, it had already happened. If they couldn't get him back on track very soon... Sighing, she bent to touch Chakotay's shoulder again.

"A few minutes, Chakotay. It's getting late."

When Chakotay nodded wordlessly and turned to touch the dead woman's face again, Kathryn Janeway moved away from him and walked over to the incubator. A warmth and intense compassion filled her as she looked at the motherless baby girl.

"It was touch and go, Captain," the EMH whispered as he reset the temperature. "She's six weeks premature and suffered foetal distress..."

The Doctor's words were superfluous. It was understood. Seven's death was traumatic and violent. A few more minutes and the  baby would have died if the EMH hadn't transported her out of Seven's torn body. After that the EMH had worked a few small miracles saving the infant's life. Chakotay, too caught up in his wife lying dead on the biobed and witnessing the severity of her injuries had been unaware of the medical wonder the doctor had performed. There hadn't been any reaction from Chakotay when the baby had given her first plaintive cry as if she knew already that her mother was dead. All these facts Kathryn knew already, but the Doctor needed to say it again, a kind of self-corroboration as witness that the baby was alive and well.

"But she'll make it," Kathryn affirmed.

"Oh, yes."

At that moment the baby stirred. Tiny fists waved the air. Her little face creased and the sound that escaped her sounded to Kathryn like the wail of a lost little kitten. She gave herself a mental shake to  dispel the awful analogy. For a moment she looked at the doctor, not certain what to do. Then he gestured she put her hand through the gloved aperture on the side of the incubator. She hesitated a moment, turned to look at the biobed where Seven of Nine lay motionless. Kathryn held her breath as she proceeded to stick her hand through the aperture. 

"It's okay, Captain. You're cleared for touch," the Doctor assured her as she felt a whoosh pass over her hand.

Entranced, Kathryn touched the tiny baby's hand. Long, spindly fingers curled instantly round her index finger.

"Oh..."

"It's a reflex movement, Captain," the EMH said softly.

The plaintive crying stopped suddenly and the next moment the baby opened her eyes. A pair of brilliant blue eyes - like the spring sky on a bright cloudless morning - stared up at Kathryn. The air whooshed from her lungs. Something touched her heart, or more likely an arrow pierced it when it seemed to her the baby's eyes were fixed on her. She'd  marvel for year afterwards why it was that some babies could look so directly at a person just minutes after birth. Kathryn blinked several times, taking a deep breath to steady herself, her index finger still in the grasp of the baby tiny fingers. 

"It's as if she knows me," Kathryn said in wonder. "How could that be...?" Seconds later the baby's grasp loosened. She caressed the child's hair which already showed signs that she was going to be blonde - golden ripe corn.

When she felt the doctor's hand touch her shoulder, Kathryn withdrew her hand reluctantly.

"She'll be ready to leave the incubator in a few days," the doctor said matter-of-factly. "After that, Commander Chakotay - " He paused abruptly, turned his head in the direction of the biobed, then glanced at the Captain again. "She'll need constant care, Captain. Without a mother, this poor little infant..."

"I'll see to it, Doctor. I'll have a word with Commander Chakotay after the memorial service."

"Fine. The infant will need her first feed very soon. I see she's already eating her fist." The EMH smiled, for the baby's eyes had closed again and she looked to be sleeping peacefully.

Kathryn nodded, returned to Chakotay who sat holding Seven of Nine's hand. For a few minutes she allowed the grief to wash over her too. The former Borg lay in death as aloof as she had been in life the first few years after she had come on board Voyager. They had tried everything to save her life. The first few seconds when even the EMH worked in furious denial of the truth before him had been harrowing. By the time Tom Paris arrived in sick bay, the doctor had already started working on saving the life of the baby.

It wasn't enough.

Chakotay had been demented in the first hour after Seven had been beamed to Voyager. Ensign Dillinger died on impact, but although Seven of Nine's survived, her injuries were too severe. By the time she had been beamed to Voyager she was declared dead on arrival, but the baby still alive...

"She wouldn't listen, Kathryn!" Chakotay had shouted at her those first few heady minutes in sickbay. "I told her not to go!"

"And I overrode your decision, Commander! I sent her on that mission. A routine inspection check that, given her condition, shouldn't have resulted in those catastrophic complications! Tuvok is conducting a full investigation..."

Chakotay had been trembling with rage, unable to control his emotions and she had been filled with silent guilt that she had sent the pregnant woman on an away mission. Nothing was supposed to have gone wrong! Nothing!  

"She should have stayed, dammit! Why wouldn't she listen to me?"

"Because, Chakotay, it was an order I gave her and she was confident that it would not impede her health or jeopardise the welfare of your child. She gave me that assurance and the Doctor confirmed it."

She had wanted to throw her arms around her friend and hug him. But Chakotay, frantic with pain, had turned abruptly from her and charged at the doctor.

"Do something, Doctor! Why can't you do something?"

The doctor had given a shrug, his own demeanour sad.  

"Anything...?" Chakotay pleaded. Only minutes before the doctor had successfully delivered the tiny baby but Chakotay had hardly given his new-born infant a look, his eyes only on his wife of three years.

"I'm sorry, Commander. There's nothing we can do for her. Sorry..."

That moment Chakotay had broken down and threw his body over that of his wife, weeping bitterly for a few minutes. Kathryn had waited until he calmed down marginally before she gripped his shoulder again, her own throat thick with emotion. Before her lay the woman-child she had brought on board Voyager and whom she nurtured and counseled, who challenged her openly and who sometimes was so much the child who burned to understand the nature of her humanity. Now that woman was dead and crying his rage was her husband who loved her and who despaired of continuing his life without Seven of Nine by his side.

But right now she had to help her dearest friend through his grief and see to it that he acknowledge his baby and care for her. When she reached Chakotay, she didn't touch him this time. Instead, she pulled the sheet very gently over Seven's face. Chakotay looked on, stone-faced, unmoving, unseeing. She watched how he released his wife's hand slowly, very carefully tucking it under the blue sheet. For a few seconds he clenched his fists, knuckles straining furiously against tanned skin.

"Come," she commanded. "We must leave the Doctor to do his work here."

Chakotay didn't move. A long time he sat like that, staring with unseeing eyes cover drawn over Seven's body. Then he gave a long shudder.

"She was so happy, about the baby..."

"I know. She told me, Chakotay," Kathryn whispered.

"Did she tell you what we were going to name her?"

Kathryn was glad that he was talking at least about his daughter; it was acknowledgement that she was alive and in his life. She knew that Seven had put off naming their child until the last.

"No...no, she didn't."

"Only last night, you know. We put off naming our baby..."

"You must have had a reason, Chakotay."

He nodded.

"There was no real reason. But she - " Kathryn noticed how he couldn't say his wife's name. "She desired _Kathryn Elizabeth_ and I said I didn't like the idea."

Kathryn smiled. She felt a rush. Seven had wanted to name the baby for the Captain.

"Care to tell me why, Chakotay?"

He shrugged, the movement careless, apathetic.

"I told her I wanted to know only one Kathryn. I suggested _Carina_. Her - her name is Carina..."

"It's a beautiful name, Chakotay. Nordic."

"I know. She - she looked forward to being a - a m-mother - " he stammered.

Kathryn watched how Chakotay's shoulders shook again for a few agonising moments. Finally he rose to his feet, slowly, like a very old man. Kathryn thought his eyes bleak. Not even the thought of his baby girl would remove the bleakness from his eyes.

"Carina has you, Chakotay, to care for her."

"And I have no one, Kathryn..."

*************** 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

He felt cold inside. He looked at their faces. They were blurs mostly, yet he knew he wasn't crying. He had no more tears. He hadn't felt any since he left sickbay. Instead, the cold had gripped him and refused to leave, even when so many crew stood around him and he could feel the warmth on their breaths when they shared with him an anecdote, or just the body heat that sprang from their nearness.  Their sympathetic glances, their compassion which in the circumstances should have produced some energy within him, whether from anger or just accepting their commiserations, did nothing. It just left him cold.

Maybe that was Tom Paris standing on the other side of the torpedo casing, and B'Elanna stood next to him. Why shouldn't she? They were together, weren't they? They were happily married, weren't they? Was that Noah Lessing standing near someone - Tuvok - or was it the other way round? It had to be Noah. The man was as tall as a California redwood. Chakotay heard them - voices that sounded strained, compassionate, sympathetic.

And he didn't hear them. They were distinct and indistinct at the same time, hushed in their reverence of the occasion.

Only one voice sounded clear, untainted by the day's events. No hint of sorrow or compassion. For one brief, mad moment he wanted to kill Kathryn Janeway for sounding as if it were just another day in the life of a starship captain. How could she sound so cool, so collected when he felt like dying himself? Inside him, for one whole day, his world was turned upside down. Pain was not a red-hot poker that drove mercilessly threw his body. It was not a thousand screaming banshees in his head that terrorised him and made him aware that he was alone.

It was just cold. He was afraid of it. The brief moment of madness temporarily allowed in some warmth, but it was gone, too soon. The captain's voice droned on.

"We imagine we are invincible, only to be confronted with our own mortality when facing imminent death," he heard her say, her voice coming from a long way off, yet boring into his brain. "Even the strongest among us must pay homage to a power greater than us, an unstoppable destiny as it chooses to take away at will, with little regard for rank or creed or sex or age..."

He remembered Seven's words to him one night when they had an argument.

"I am Borg, Chakotay. I am in control of my destiny. I'm going to live a long time."

The torpedo casing stood in the centre of the lounge - stark, silent witness, cradle to the body of Seven of Nine who thought that she was invincible.

"And so we pay our last respects to Ensign Dillinger and Seven of Nine," Kathryn Janeway said in her clear, cool voice. "They have been valued crew on this vessel. We shall miss them..."

After that, Tom Paris spoke, and Harry Kim said something. Someone played a lonely tune on an oboe.  Was it Nicoletti? The tune was haunting, a lost melody, chords that floated about the quiet observation lounge.

How long was it after the tune played and Kathryn had given the order for the transport of the coffins to the shuttle bay? It seemed an eternity.

Chakotay watched as everyone turned to face the viewports of the observation lounge.

Silently, like a derelict drifting in space the two torpedoes carrying the bodies of Seven of Nine and Ensign Dillinger headed on their unerring journey for their final resting place.

_"Into the sun I go,_

_when my last breath from me shall flow."_

Noah's deep voice resonated in the lounge as he read the poem.

He heard Seven's voice, impassioned, happy, confident...

_"She'll look like you, Chakotay..."_

_"Nonsense, babies always resemble their mothers."_

_"And it will be a good thing?"_

_"Naturally. I'll look at our little girl and think of you."_

_"I'm very happy, Chakotay."_

_"Are you still going on the away mission?"_

_"Nothing will happen."_

_"I need my wife and daughter."_

_"You'll have them back. It's a routine inspection. Nothing can go wrong."_

Chakotay gave a small cry, looked distraught around him and when his eyes met those of Kathryn, connected in a timeless capsule in which he knew she saw into the deepest parts of him. Hands stiffly at his sides, he turned suddenly and strode out of the observation lounge.

***** 

Kathryn Janeway pressed his chime twice before she heard a low, hoarse 'enter'. Chakotay's cabin was at very low illumination, almost totally dark as she stepped inside. She waited a few seconds for her eyes to adjust, realising that he wasn't going to help her.

Dimly she became aware of his silhouette as the porthole came into view. She moved closer and stood about a metre away from him. He sat hunched, as he did earlier in sickbay. She couldn't see his face, and again she noticed how he clenched and unclenched his hands.

"Look at me, Chakotay," she commanded softly.

It was tense moments later that he finally looked up. He didn't look any better than he had in sickbay or at the memorial service. Chakotay needed time, time he could ill afford to grieve silently and privately. It was the legacy of their precarious existence in the Delta Quadrant. They could package their sorrow and every now and then only, when time allowed, open it and wallow for precious seconds until eventually, pain became dimmer and dimmer, leaving only scar tissue that occasionally, when it was cold, thought to remind the body and the mind that he was a happy man once.

"What do you want."

"I'm putting you on leave for two weeks, Chakotay."

"You can't do that - "

"I can and I have." Kathryn looked around her, thinking to see a corner of the cabin prepared for the baby. She had not been in Chakotay's quarters since he and Seven married. Now, it appeared empty, devoid of warmth. "Chakotay," she asked, a little disturbed, "have you made any preparations at all for Carina?"

"The crib...it's in the cargo bay. I finished it..."

"Good. Get it in here. In a few days Carina will have to room in with you, my friend."

"No."

Kathryn sat down next to him and touched his shoulder. He didn't flinch this time and she gave a tight little smile. The situation was dire. Carina needed attention, and the father was too wrapped up in his grief to pay attention.

"Look, I realise you miss Seven very much, but your duty is with the little one. You're to get up and go to sickbay and take charge of Carina. She has only you. Your bridge and other duties will be shared during this period. It's an order. "

"That the Captain speaking?"

"Yes."

"And - and my friend?"

That gave Kathryn hope. He looked eager for once.

"I beg you, Chakotay. There's a little baby, too small to understand that her mother has died, who is going to need all the love you have in you. She's the most beautiful angel in the universe. When you see her, you cannot but want to wrap her in those big hands of yours and hold her to you..."

"I - "

"Please..."

"Carina, does she look like her mother?" he asked softly, and Kathryn thought she saw a glint of pride in his eyes. The flash was gone quickly, but the way his body primed itself, she knew he was expecting confirmation.

"Yes. Yes, she does, Chakotay. You should go and see for yourself..."

She could have bitten her tongue off the way Chakotay's face suddenly creased the moment the words were out. Carina's birthday coincided with the death of Seven.  He looked visibly pale as he struggled to compose himself.

"I'm not on my best behaviour, Kathryn. I'm sorry..."

"No need to apologise. Look, the crew will help you take care of Carina. We'll draw up a roster for you, if that's okay."

Chakotay remained quiet for a long time, time in which Kathryn kept stroking his shoulder, hoping he would find solace in her presence, in her fervent plea. He was hurting so badly, and she... She wondered how she could reach him. He gave a wan, tired smile that hardly reached his eyes.

"I'll go tomorrow - "

"Now."

"No - no...it's - look, give me time, Kathryn."

"You don't have time."

"Please."

"Tomorrow, then. That's an order, Commander."

****

At 0700 the next morning, Chakotay exited the turbolift on the bridge to the surprised lift of an eyebrow from Tuvok. Harry Kim gave a little gasp. Chakotay took no notice of them, his eyes going instinctively to the bridge rail behind the command chairs. He shook his head, walked briskly to the lower level and sat down next to Kathryn Janeway.

Tom turned and frowned.

"Commander, I thought - "

"You thought nothing, Paris. Keep your eye on the screen," Chakotay bit out.

When Kathryn had recovered sufficiently from her surprise to see Chakotay calmly taking his seat next to her, she felt the warmth suffusing her face.

"Commander, to my ready room. Now," she hissed softly. Then she rose and walked quickly away from him.

Chakotay shrugged and followed seconds later. He gave Tuvok a pointed look before the doors closed behind him.

"What is the meaning of this, Commander?" Janeway asked, her voice quivering slightly. He could see the angry flashes, the flushed cheeks. Closing himself off from feeling anything, he shrugged again.

"I came on duty, Kathryn. What's wrong with that?"

"A day after Seven died and your baby was born? I gave you a two week period of leave, Commander. Compassionate as well a family responsibility leave..."

"I must do something. I - "

"Have you been to sickbay at all, Commander?" she cut in. He had time to notice how she stood in her old, familiar pose: hands on the hips.

"No."

"You should have been there. It's your - "

"I don't have to be reminded of my duty, Captain."

"Well then, so help me, what are you doing here?"

"My duty."

"Your duty in this time, which by the way, I've given you, is with your newborn daughter, Commander. You have leave. Make use of it. If you don't, I'll have the Security team carry you to sickbay."

"There's nothing - "

He watched how her eyes closed. How could he tell her he couldn't bring himself to walk into sickbay without thinking of Seven and how she lay so quiet in death? How could he tell her?

"Tell me, Chakotay..." Kathryn said as she walked round the desk to stand in front of him. "Believe me, I know what you're going through and I know it's very hard for you. But right now, there's a little baby girl waiting for her Daddy to touch her hand, to connect with her. You have to focus on those who are left behind."

"I - I c-can't, Kathryn," he stammered, an image of his hands lacing through blonde hair causing him to frown furiously. Seven's hair... He couldn't look at the baby. If he did...

"You can't look at her," Kathryn whispered, and it shocked him that she could read his thoughts so correctly. "But Chakotay, at some point and it must be soon, you must take your baby home with you. Carina is your responsibility."

"I know..." he conceded finally, tired suddenly of thinking, welcoming the cold that wouldn't leave him. Last night he slept in his bed, alone for the first time in three years. What did Kathryn know? He needed Seven.  He needed her or he'd go mad...

"Then, as your friend, not your Captain, Chakotay, I'd like to help. In fact, you will have a lot of help..."

He nodded, too mute this time to reply. Kathryn reached up, her palm cupping his cheek. They had always done that, eons ago. They were friends, best friends. How many times had she done that before he married Seven? How many times did she touch him and make the gesture an indelible imprint on his memory? Now, the touch of her hand was tinged with softness, kindness, compassion...

He didn't want to remember a time and a place...

Within seconds, he fled the ready room and strode like a drunken man to the turbolift.

*****

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

"The infant is languishing, Captain. There's little I can do..."

The Doctor's words rang like a knell of death in Kathryn's ears. She had pushed her hand through the aperture again, and again Carina's almost transparent fingers clamped hers. The plaintive crying had stopped, but Carina's eyes remained closed.

"She needs to feed," Mariah Hamilton said softly. "I've prepared it for her, Captain."

Kathryn looked up at Mariah, grateful for her assistance. Carina's crying had started again.

"Captain," the EMH  said, "she's ready to leave the incubator. If - "

She didn't need to be told that something had to be done, and very quickly. Carina was hungry, and her crying debilitated her further. 

"Captain?" Mariah's voice sounded up.

Kathryn looked at the two of them in turn, then back at Carina who seemed to have trained her fingers towards her mouth. A suckling motion ensued and Kathryn felt a deep warmth spread through her. Her jaw clenched and for a moment. A vision of her with a baby like Carina came to her. A man bent over the two of them, dropping a kiss on her head. It was gone as quickly as she entertained the thought.

"Give me half an hour, Doctor. I'll fetch some things from Commander Chakotay's quarters. Seven of Nine had prepared a layette for the baby. I'll be back..."

Reluctantly, as if Carina could feel she was going to leave, she let go of Kathryn's finger. Hardly had Kathryn pulled her hand out, when she started giving her little kitten cries again.

"She recognises you, Captain," Mariah said in wonder. "I've never seen anything like it..."

"Miracles have happened in sick bay before - "

"It will only be a few minutes, little one," Kathryn whispered, hoping that her voice sounded reassuring. When she stood up and nodded to the doctor, he smiled. Kathryn frowned.

"We'll see a few more miracles before the year is out..." he said enigmatically.

Kathryn could hardly wait to get to Chakotay's quarters and on her way there she pondered over the last two days. She had been alternating between anger, compassion, itching to smack Chakotay and dying to stroke his cheek. He was bull-headed, had never been to see Carina yet and it disturbed her a great deal. She knew he was still in his quarters. In retrospect, she should have let him have his way and commence duty on the bridge, if it weren't for Carina. Now he too, languished in his cabin. He appeared unkempt, hadn't slept since the day Seven died, and his quarters was in a mess. That was late last night when she had once again popped in to remind him to look in on his daughter.

"I'll go, don't worry about me, Captain," he had said a little impatiently.

"You're afraid..."

"No, I'm a coward, that's what."

"Chakotay..."

"Please, just leave me alone, will you?"

"I'm here to help, to stand by you as your closest friend, just like you've been there for me and for this ship in the last ten years."

"Well, can I count on that friendship?"

"Yes."

"Leave me alone then. Understand that, will you?"

He looked like hell last night. Unshaven, bloodshot eyes, and nostrils that flared. She had left his cabin, and escaped into her own. There she had spent a long time gazing through her viewport, contemplating the darkness, cloaking it about her the same way Chakotay had done in his quarters. For once she welcomed it that no one could see her own sorrow. At one point she felt the tears, but savagely managed to hold them back before they rolled down her cheeks. 

Her own feelings about the accident, the fateful order for the away mission, seeing an innocent and helpless infant battling for her life in the first hour of it and the unwilling, if terrifying bond she felt with a child not her own... No one would see. She had not given herself time to grieve for she had no time. Dillinger had been one of the youngest ensigns on board, and Seven... Kathryn had tried to shut out images of a Borg drone, newly come aboard her vessel to be integrated into Voyager's crew. Seven of Nine - Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01... She felt Seven's loss perhaps more keenly than anyone else on board. But, whatever she wanted to express, or to weep openly about, had to be put on hold. The ship wasn't standing still. It moved inexorably towards its destination, home, and along the way they still had to fight off all manner of adversity.

She could comfort everyone... there just wasn't anyone who could do the same for her. She had a ship to run, a duty to get her people home. At the head of her vessel was she as its commanding officer, imbued with the unholy task of braving all adversity, see that every single crewmember on board and those with offspring were safe and happy.

She had too little time to deal with what made Kathryn Janeway tick. Once Chakotay had known who she was; now, her best friend didn't seem to know her anymore.

Shaking her head as she reached his door, she wondered for a moment if she should announce her arrival. Then, on an impulse, she overrode his codes and entered the darkened quarters. She was here on a mission, not to offer him solace.

"Chakotay?" she called out. When there was no response, she hit her commbadge. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in Holodeck 2."

"I guess I'll have to do without him..." she muttered as she walked around and found the tiny alcove that now housed the baby's crib. Kathryn smiled when she looked at the mobile. She had half expected  miniature Borg cubes, not the teddy bears swinging gently when she touched them. The replica of Voyager looked incongruous in the float of characters on the mobile. She had an image of Carina trying to reach for the figures. Thought of the baby reminded her of her mission and soon she had her hand in the drawer of the compactum, selecting clothing for the baby, as well as receiving blankets.

Something felt hard to the touch when she dipped her hand in the drawer. Kathryn frowned, considered a moment Seven's privacy, then decided to pull it out. It could be a message for the baby.

"I don't think Chakotay knows about this," she mused. "Strange... It's for me."

It was for her, from Seven of Nine.

 _"Dear Captain Janeway...."_   it read.

Seven of Nine, after she married Chakotay, never called her anything but 'Captain Janeway', even if Chakotay always called her Kathryn.

Remembering the clothing and the blankets, she rose to her feet and stepped back, thinking that she ought to inform Chakotay that she had come to collect a few things for the baby. The bottles they could replicate in sickbay...

Kathryn turned to leave his quarters, pausing when she passed the bedroom. She could see the bed. She gazed at it a long time, imagining  Chakotay sleeping there next to Seven of Nine. She closed her eyes, felt her heart contract painfully. Gulping in air, she slowly exhaled to regain the control she'd mastered the last three years. Nights of burying her face in her pillow and silently ordering herself to fall asleep and not shed a single tear, came to her.

No more tears, she admonished herself as she sighed and left his quarters. Still carrying the PADD along with Carina's baby things, she made a detour to her own quarters and deposited the PADD in the bottom drawer of her dresser.

Later she'd take it out again and reread Seven's message to her...

****

Kathryn sat in the nursery with a worried EMH,  Mariah Hamilton and B'Elanna Torres looking on. Carina, wrapped in a pink receiver and dressed in the softest of fluffy crawlers which was way too big for her, lay in Kathryn's arms, crying. Kathryn felt near to tears herself. The last twenty four hours they had tried to feed her, Carina had been fractious, crying most of the time and refusing to drink.

"It is possible that the traumatic separation from her mother may have led to this, Captain...

"But she's refusing milk, even the closest to mother's milk we've replicated," Kathryn responded as she put the bottle down. Again, like the past two days, Kathryn felt a strange pull, and even stranger, the sporadic twinges of pain that shot through her bosom when Carina lay and nuzzled her face against her.

"We've got to do something, short of having to feed her intravenously, or use some other drastic method like - "

"We're not forcing milk down this baby's throat, Doctor," Kathryn cut in stiffly, awed when she noticed how Carina's face kept nudging against her. Her hair was flaxen, and she had not opened her eyes again for any length of time since that first day when she had stared up into Kathryn's face.

B'Elanna bent down and stroked the baby's hair tenderly. Kathryn saw how she swallowed.

"I'm going to find Chakotay and kill him, Captain."

She strode out of the nursery. Kathryn and Mariah couldn't help but smile at the heavily pregnant-for-the-second time Chief Engineer who all but waddled out of the nursery to find Chakotay.

"I hope she breaks his nose, Captain," Mariah said, her eyes soft as she too, touched the baby's head. Carina had stopped crying but Kathryn knew that the reprieve would be short-lived.

"We must understand his pain, Mariah. He's having difficulty adjusting to living without his wife."

"Believe me, we all do, Captain. It's just so strange seeing Chakotay act like this. He's angrier now than he's been for a very long time, even when we were on the Liberty. But Captain..."

"What is it, Mariah?"

"Carina...she looks so peaceful in your arms... I think she..."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry, Captain. It's - it's not my place...forgive me..."

Mariah, mother of little Jamie and wife of James Hamilton, one of Voyager's pilots, scooted out of the nursery before Kathryn could respond to the woman who looked for a few seconds distressed. Mariah's face had creased as if she wanted to cry. Kathryn looked down at the sleeping baby and wondered what Mariah had wanted to tell her.

Carina stirred and Kathryn thought she would cry again. She bent to drop a light kiss on the baby's downy soft hair.

"Oh, sweetie, you're not mine and I'm not supposed to love you like I already do as if you were mine..." she whispered and gave a little cry as a series of painful twinges spiraled through her bosom.

****

"I'm afraid the prognosis isn't good, Captain," the Doctor said later that evening as Kathryn brought the baby back into sickbay. Carina was quiet for once, sucking her fist.

"I'll get Commander Chakotay - "

"Captain, the baby is losing weight. I don't mean the normal loss immediately after birth. She isn't taking in enough fluid to sustain her, even at the rate that she brings up her food..." The EMH took the baby from her and placed Carina gently back in the incubator.

"I understand, Doctor."

The EMH straightened up and faced Kathryn.

"I believe also that she's pining..."

That could very well be, Kathryn thought. The doctor's words rang true. Chakotay has been nowhere near the baby and the attempts of B'Elanna, Mariah, Samantha and Marla Gilmore to get him in sickbay had met with little success. Carina remained a restless little baby, missing the connection with her mother. She gave a sigh.

"Then I suppose we'll have to use one of your drastic measures, Doctor. I was hoping that we wouldn't have to..."

"There is another suggestion, Captain. An outside chance, perhaps..."

"But a chance." Her hope flared. She felt a little out of her depth at not being a mother. Whatever measures the EMH came up with, they were all worth investigating. Carina would die soon...

"Yes. As I said, it's an outside chance. Something that had been done in before - "

"Anything, Doctor. Anything. Meanwhile, I'll leave this little scrap here in your care and make sure her Daddy is on hand when she wakes up..."

"You haven't heard my suggestion, Captain," the doctor's words followed her as she made her way to the sickbay doors.

"I'm absolutely certain it will be in the best interest of the child, Doctor," she replied as she left sickbay.

***

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

Chakotay looked up sharply when someone entered the gym. The punching bag swung back and he caught it in time before it hit him.

"What are you doing here, B'Elanna?" he asked as he stepped forward. Using his teeth to unlace the one glove, he slipped it off quickly and then the other glove followed.

"I've come to kill you, Chakotay," said B'Elanna advancing on him.

"What, in that condition?"

"It's been known to happen."

"Why? Because I'm giving everyone hell and the Captain won't let me go on duty?"

"You've got part of it right," she retorted, and Chakotay saw how twin spots of red stained her cheeks. She really looked angry.

"I need to work - "

"You also need to look in on your baby. She's dying, did you know?"

Chakotay turned ice-cold inside, thought for a moment that B'Elanna was pulling some fantastic stunt or trying to shock him. Shock him she did, when he realised that she was serious.

"D-dying?" he stammered, the coldness slowly making way for an unaccustomed pain in the depth of his chest. He hadn't wanted to feel anything. Coldness meant he didn't have to feel. The baby... Carina...

"Yes, and that's why I've decided not to kill you. Besides, you're our first choice for godfather for this one," replied B'Elanna, her voice tinged with fierce pride as she patted her swollen belly. "And Miral is wondering why her Uncle Chakotay hasn't yet visited her and carried her on his shoulders... She misses you..."

"The baby... Carina... what is wrong with her?"

"She's rejecting all affection, Chakotay. Also, she's not taking in fluid. I guess I can say she misses her Daddy..."

"I'll go..."

"Get dressed properly first. You wouldn't want to present yourself as Kid Crap to your own daughter, would you?"

Chakotay gave a smile, one that made him feel the pain inside again. B'Elanna looked worried...

"Fine - "

"Look, we all know you miss her and we understand. Only, we're left behind with the living, and I guess that's where we should dwell, right?"

"I guess so..."

B'Elanna hooked her hand through his arm and walked with him to the door. When they were in the corridor, she released him, giving a sheepish smile. She couldn't walk too fast, and it must have taken a very long time for her to walk from sick bay to the holodeck, even giving the short ride in the turbolift.

"And Chakotay," she started as he walked ahead of her. He looked back, saw the old flash again in her eyes.

"What is it?"

"Go easy on the Captain..."

************

After he cleaned up, Chakotay felt much fresher as he looked at his image in the mirror. The last three nights he dreamed of Seven; sleep was a commodity he wasted, lying with eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. He had loved her, passionately even. She was an apt pupil, willing to learn everything and he had enjoyed being with her. The nights were always the hardest, he thought as he rubbed his chin and felt its smoothness.

There, in a time long ago he'd almost forgotten it, he had lain awake, thinking of Kathryn and imagined that the look he had seen in her blue-grey eyes was one of deep affection, of love, deeper and more profound than the friendship he had guarded so jealously and for so long.

The last three years, with his new-found love for Seven of Nine, he had forgotten those looks, didn't imagine the hurt, or the affection or the odd slipping of the precious masks they always kept in place. Kathryn had blurred, even receded mercifully where thinking of her in that way couldn't cause his heart to stop beating. He had thrown himself wholeheartedly into his marriage and committed himself for life at the side of Seven of Nine. All that he had felt before that, was safely packaged and stored away and forgotten in a corner where it collected dust and cobwebs and where the arachnid surreptitiously crawled all over the web and guarded the treasure with fierce alliance to someone else's heart.

Seven wanted the baby...

Chakotay's shoulders drooped at that thought, but the momentary depression was ruthlessly driven out before he could allow himself to think. A tiny baby, Seven's greatest desire in the last year, lay waiting for her remaining parent. He experienced a sudden rush as he left his quarters and made his way to the sickbay.

Carina was going to see him... Or, was he going to see his daughter at last? He didn't even know what she looked like and she was already a few days old. If she were dying...

God, he couldn't let that happen. Was that what Kathryn was warning him about? Suddenly, the realisation of his responsibility finally establishing itself in his heart, he wondered who cared for the baby since her birth. It wasn't difficult to wonder why Carina was pining as he thought the case to be, but now that his own steps quickened towards the sickbay, the excitement mounting in him at last, he hoped fervently that his own presence in his baby's life would change all that.

For once he felt selfish enough to claim his child for himself. He had built her a crib, the compactum, and Seven had collected an unholy number of items for the baby. Gifts from the crew... Tonight Carina was going to come with him just like Kathryn ordered. If only he could stop thinking. Stop thinking about a pale Borg too tough to cry, and the arachnid that had quietly started eating up her own cobweb...

But it wasn't to be. The memory of his last conversation with Seven rattled him and helped to eat away at the fine webs covering the treasure that was the Captain of the starship...

"I wish to name her Kathryn Elizabeth, Chakotay," Seven said stubbornly.

"You got your wish already. You're going to have a baby, aren't you?"

"You helped make this baby..." Seven responded, her eyes dark and cloudy where she sat opposite him at their dining table.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just - "

He wasn't fair to her; he'd had a rough day on the bridge, and Kathryn's compliments to him kept him basking in her soft voice and warm eyes. Any mention of  Kathryn's name from anyone else but him was almost sacrilege. Kathryn had given him permission at a time when they had become closer than they had even been.

"What, Chakotay? Don't you like the Captain's name for our daughter?"

Chakotay almost stumbled in the corridor as Seven's words cut through him. Her eyes at the time had been hopeful, expectant. She wanted the name and even now, with his heart broken in pieces, he couldn't understand why. The only thing he could see was the only thing that made him irrational in those moments.

Seven wanted to punish him and gloat over Kathryn Janeway.

If he allowed the godawful reality and truth to reclaim his heart and mind and intellect as a prisoner, that was it. It was always a contest.

She didn't have to see Kathryn Janeway as a competitor; she had never behaved in a way that he could accuse her of something as human and as unfair as jealousy and resentment. Yet, Seven's eyes had always lit up whenever they were in the mess hall and Kathryn Janeway left the area, or when Kathryn had been sitting with them and they had excused themselves to go to bed. Those nights Seven had been excessive in her generosity towards him.

Seven may have been hurt by his terrible insinuation, but she looked cool and impassive. She was also dogged.

"Don't you like 'Kathryn' for a name?" Seven had persisted.

And he lost it for a moment.

"I want to know only one Kathryn on this vessel, dammit," it burst from him.

It was the final straw. Seven had seen the aperture, seen the treasure chest's key shattered as it opened to reveal the face of a Starfleet Captain.

"Seven - " he started, "I'm sorry... please forgive me... I didn't mean to snap at you..."

Chakotay shook his head hard as he exited the turbolift on the sick bay floor. Seven's eyes had lit up in pathetic happiness again at his profound apology. How easy it had always been to please her! Her hand had flown to her belly where she caressed her fullness and her eyes had become soft again.

"I know, Chakotay. I love you... whatever name you want...is okay..."

"Carina. I like Carina."

After that she didn't mention it again, until the mission, the one he didn't want her to undertake.

When he walked into sickbay, his equilibrium of earlier destroyed by the ravaging thoughts of his own guilt, it was the last thing he expected to see: Kathryn Janeway holding his daughter in her arms as if it belonged to her.

*****

He stopped dead in his tracks, and when he gathered his shattered wits about him sufficiently to walk towards them, the old anger rose in him. What was she doing with the baby?

"Here she is, Commander, your little Carina," the doctor said soberly. Carina was crying heartbrokenly.

"What is wrong with her, Doc?" he asked, ignoring Kathryn as he felt his eyes drawn to the tiny scrap of humanity held in her arms.

Kathryn held the baby to him and very gently he received his daughter, the baby's face red from crying.

"Doctor?"

"Just hold and rock her, see if she'll quieten down," the EMH replied.

"Like this?" Chakotay asked and slowly he started rocking Carina, with the doctor looking pleased for once and Kathryn... He didn't want to look at her.

"Yes," he heard her answer him and then watched how she touched Carina's hair.

For the first time he had a good look at the baby and a few seconds he closed his eyes. The child's resemblance to her mother was remarkable for someone so young. It tore at his heart, remembering Seven of Nine, remembering warm nights in happy conversation, in their bed, making love...

It was inevitable that he broke down again.

He missed her. She was a part of his life for three whole years, spent every night in his arms with him. Now she was gone...gone... He felt Kathryn touching his arm again and he flinched at her touch. He sobbed brokenly with the baby held against him. And Carina cried on, as if she understood his sorrow.

He jerked away from the hand that stroked his arm in solace. He couldn't bear it. When he looked at Kathryn, her eyes held compassion. It angered him, suddenly and irrationally.

"I know what you're going through, my friend. Believe me. Baby Carina misses her mother's touch. She misses - "

Chakotay, unbridled in his anger, lashed out suddenly, cutting into her words.

"What do you know, Captain? What do you know? You're not a mother. You're not _her_ mother... how could you possibly know?"

"Commander!" the doctor interjected, shocked. "That was grossly unwarranted."

"Captain... Kathryn, I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said it."

But the words were out, damaging, hitting at what he only sensed belatedly, the very core of Kathryn Janeway. The next few moments were heavy and dark. Chakotay saw Kathryn's eyes cloud, watched how she frowned as if to control an unknown force that threatened to undo her in front of him and the doctor. Something hidden and mysterious and too deep for both of them to understand. Did she turn as pale as a sheet? Did the same paleness suddenly blotch red with blood as her cheeks began to stain? She stood there, and he wondered if she were going to pass out or burst into tears. She swallowed painfully.

"I've always been your friend, " she said in a hoarse voice, "and I really...don't know a time that I couldn't count on your honesty and your strength when I needed a friend. I - I only wanted to help."

He couldn't bear to see her like that. An animal, wounded too severely to recover, that wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and die where no one could see the blood...alone...

"Oh God, Kathryn. I'm sorry..."

"I know she's not mine, Chakotay," Kathryn Janeway said with heartbreaking honesty.

She looked at the EMH.

"Doctor, we'll talk again later." She turned and walked slowly towards the sickbay doors that opened, then closed again.

Chakotay felt how the doctor's eyes bore into him.

"Wonderful. You've been very kind to the only person on this vessel who can help your daughter, Commander Chakotay," the doctor said angrily, but keeping his voice down when Carina's crying had suddenly stopped.

"Doc, I didn't - "

"No, I'm sure you didn't mean any of it. The Captain only fed and bathed and changed diapers and many times dropped little kisses on the child's forehead and talked to her of starships and spheres and Flotter and Treevis and named the many crewmembers by name who would love to hold her in the absence of the absent father. Why should she care?"

"Doctor?"

"As Tom Paris would say, you've blown it, Commander. You hurt that kind woman very badly today..."

******

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

The turbolift doors to the bridge opened. Tom Paris craned his neck to see who appeared when he heard Harry's gasp. Ensign Hollily who sometimes covered for him at the conn and sat at her station to the left of him gave a small cry of surprise. 

He shook his head in wonder.

"I see B'Elanna didn't kill you, Commander," he said.

Chakotay was dressed in civvies and he held a bundle wrapped in softest pink in his arms. 

"Is she going to command the ship, do you think?" asked Harry who recovered from his surprise.

"Can I hold her, Commander?" asked Ayala.

Tuvok, who sat in the command chair, rose to his feet to confront the offending officer.

"It is against protocol for officers to bring infants on the bridge, Commander," he said stone-faced and Tom could swear he saw Chakotay actually sticking out his tongue at Tuvok. 

Harry had quickly darted to the area just behind the command chairs to look at the baby who couldn't stop crying. Tom knew that Carina hadn't stopped since she was born and only ever became restful when she was held by the Captain.

"Are you responsible for this one's crying, Commander?"

Chakotay gave Harry a stormy glare that made him jump back to the Ops station to resume long range scans of the dead expanse they were traveling through.

"The infant has not stopped," added Tuvok. "It is realistic to assume that it will - if it lives to be sixteen - continue to create mayhem."

"Now that's not very encouraging, Tuvok," Tom said without looking to see Tuvok's expression.

"Your daughter is a terrorist."

"Hey!"

At that moment the baby let out a loud wail. The bickering stopped instantly and everyone trained their eyes on the man holding the baby, wanting to see how he was dealing with the bawling infant. Chakotay's thunderous look changed quickly to softness as he touched Carina's cheek.

"Don't worry, sweetie. They're only jealous. We'll soon remedy our little problem, won't we?"

"Is that the Angry Warrior speaking?" someone - Ensign Gaertner - asked in hushed tones.

"Oh, my goodness..."

"Good to see you in better spirits, Commander."

"I'll be on duty again tomorrow, so don't knock it, Paris."

"Aye, sir!"

When Chakotay stepped down the short stair to the ready room, Tom held his breath. Seconds after Chakotay entered, the pilot exhaled slowly.

"Go easy on the Captain," Harry whispered.

"Boy, what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall in there..."

***

Always, whenever he had a fallout with Kathryn, or major disagreements, she fled to her ready room. No other room on Voyager, not even the holodecks provided the same kind of centering it seemed to have for Kathryn Janeway. Sometimes she had been so moved by the passing of a crewman, or some trauma they experienced, that she'd come to this room and stand, like she did right now, near her viewport, hands behind her back, and gaze out. Her thoughts would be so far away that he had to cough or make some announcement of his presence for her to acknowledge that someone had invaded  her sanctuary.

Now, her command to enter the ready room had been soft, and even when still outside the door, he could hear the distance in her voice; he knew that she was off somewhere again, in a world where she  alone roamed and no one could know  or even hazard what she was thinking.

He hurt her so badly. He couldn't remember a time that the hurt could have been worse than it was now. Those times her command decisions or his defiance in complying, or the way he questioned the very mores in which those decisions were based, lay at the heart of that hurt.

Once -  the time that Ransom died and she had been briefly overtaken by a spell of madness in wanting the captain of the Equinox dead and threatening to kill Noah Lessing - he had seen Kathryn insulating her own trauma. Afterwards she had called it her guilt at crossing the line, her temporary insanity. Then she had lapsed into depression and it had taken a long time for him to help her find her centre again. He had stood by her side, even shook her hard when she had spells of guilt and self-recrimination.

It was always tough handling Kathryn Janeway.

There had been many of those episodes when he had needed her and she was there for him every step of the way. Then he had reveled in the way he could find rest and peace just through a simple touch. Kathryn's signature was touch, and he had seen her touch a crewman many times in solace, in giving reassurance. He had woken from a coma once to feel her hand resting against his shoulder, and he had sworn then that it was that tactile expression of her care and concern that sped his recovery, and that of other crew who were the privileged recipients of it.

Many were the occasions he had done the same for her. He had taken her sailing on Lake George after her near death experience and the entire afternoon on the lake, he let her be. She had not spoken; her eyes had become vacant and for hours she dwelled in her private realm until finally she spoke her first words. She had turned her attention away from the mushrooming clouds and the birds in the distance and the shimmering water and the slight breeze that just allowed the sails to billow and move them gently towards the clouds. Her eyes had been clear, the darkness and fear gone when she addressed him.

"I'm glad I have you, Chakotay..."

"I'm glad to see you smile again, Kathryn..."

The night before Seven died, he told her he wanted to know only one Kathryn. What he had with Kathryn Janeway transcended common bonds, and their friendship meant the world to him. If truth be told, he thought it to be more enduring than love, more meaningful and more destructive. They had sat through silences which, even as he was married to another person for three years, still had the ability to calm him, to fulfill him so completely.  He knew with terrifying finality, that he would never in all of creation, have that kind of relationship with another person.

He was blessed with such a friendship in which there were tears, there were fights, where the battleground was filled with bloodied shrapnel and God help him, some shrapnel was still lodged in him. But they stood together, squaring off, each one filled with the thought: can we repair this after the battle is over?

Like any relationship, friendship required to be worked at constantly and diligently. A relationship where one, inadvertently sometimes, inflicted hurt upon the other and the intense desire to be forgiven afterwards. The gift of absolution lay not in asking, but in the giving of that pardon. There lay the power of love, he thought.

Many times Kathryn had forgiven him and he had forgiven her; when they emerged from that crucible, their cauldron still dripped with the remnants of their battles. Then both could come away stronger, able to look one another in the eyes and say, "All will be well..."

"You're not a mother... _her_ mother..."

How could he hurt her so? The words, irrational in their very birth as they sprung from his mouth, should never have been uttered. Kathryn Janeway was mother of all. There was not a single crewmember on this vessel who had not felt the power of her caring.

Even Seven of Nine...

Now, he prayed that Kathryn would forgive him.

She stood like she always did when deeply troubled. This time though, she wrapped her arms around her as if she were desperately cold and longed for the warmth to break the stranglehold of the ice that must have settled in her.

Carina whimpered and he watched awed as Kathryn's body stiffened, although she kept staring at the darkness through the viewport.

"Kathryn..."

When she turned and stepped down to his level, her eyes stole to the tiny baby in his arms. She moved, hesitated, then took a step back.

"Kathryn...please..."

"You want to use a baby to get to me, Chakotay?"

It was a low blow and he deserved it. Kathryn's eyes looked hollow. He couldn't remember seeing her cry. She had been close to tears many times, but actually losing herself in the luxury of tears? Now, it seemed her eyes misted over. A giant fist clamped round his heart and squeezed it hard. For a second he couldn't speak, the breath temporarily knocked from him.

"I know she's not mine, Chakotay," was repeated with such hollowness that he couldn't bear it. It tore at him, the moment the giant fist relinquished its hold on him.

"She needs you, Kathryn..."

"In the circumstances I don't think I - "

"I was acting like an unfeeling jerk, Kathryn. Forgive me. I never meant to hurt you, even to say what I said..."

Kathryn took a step closer again, her hand reaching to touch the pink blanket, then dropping to her side again.

"Sometimes, you know," she started, her voice so soft he strained to hear her, "saying you're sorry doesn't make things right...."

"I mean it, Kathryn."

"It's mere lip service."

Carina started whimpering again and Chakotay tried to rock her and quieten the fretful baby. She was hungry, she probably needed a diaper change, but mostly...

"She needs to be in your arms, Kathryn, if for no one else on this ship, please then, for Carina?"

"It's blackmail."

Kathryn wanted to walk away again, but she was drawn to the baby, her eyes never leaving the bundle in his arms. Funny how the child got heavier the longer he held her. The hollow look in Kathryn's eyes had turned to one of hunger.

"She has no mother, and no one else to care for her - "

"She has her father."

"I can't breastfeed her..."

A stunned silence followed.

"What - what did you say?" Kathryn asked, turning pale at his words. He closed his eyes. It was now or never.

"Carina needs you, Kathryn. I  - " he started, not knowing how to continue. Carina's soft cries gave him the courage he needed and he pitched right in. "I understand from the doctor that you are lactating..."

Kathryn looked away, then at the baby again. Her eyes became soft, the darkness gone. Did a sheen come in her eyes?

"Yes...yes, I am... It's something I couldn’t understand. I've experienced the sensations the day she was born. I couldn't explain it then."

"Doc said it's been known to happen. Yours was the first face Carina saw when she opened her eyes and she - "

"She's not mine..."

He deserved his own words being thrown back in his face.

"I know. But she can be, Kathryn. Your heart is as big as the universe, and even as much as you hate her Daddy right now, you can't turn down her need to be helped by you..."

"I - "

"Please..."

He gave a sigh of relief when Kathryn nodded. He wasn't proud of his behaviour, but he knew she'd come through for the baby. Carina needed her and would die...

"I need an additional booster in two hours time to accelerate lactation and tomorrow morning I'll be ready..."

"Thank you, Kathryn..."

"Meanwhile, can I hold her?"

Chakotay's eyes closed and he felt a sting of tears as Kathryn took the baby from him. Carina became quiet almost instantly.

"She - she has committed your smell to her memory, Kathryn. As small as she is, Carina..." He swallowed painfully as he opened his eyes to look at how Kathryn was holding Carina as if she were the most precious cargo in the universe. She had opened the receiver a little and he could see the baby's face too; watched how the tiny fingers clamped around Kathryn's index finger.

"What is it, Chakotay?" Kathryn asked, now quite distracted as she busied herself with entertaining Carina.

"She seems to know you..."

"Hmmm..."

Kathryn looked up at him and the picture of them - Kathryn Janeway, his closest and most intimate friend, and his daughter looking like mother and child - he'd remember for the rest of his life.

They were mother and daughter.

He was stunned as he listened to Kathryn talk to Carina and tell her that she'd be safely drinking mother's milk the next morning after her bath; that she must be a very patient little girl and drink some of the milk the doctor had replicated until her mother's milk can he ready. Then everything would be alright and she can blossom like any normal little baby into a healthy daughter for her daddy.

These words flew about him and he shook his head.

He had been so stupid, unable to cut through his own grief and see that his child needed him. B'Elanna was right. Even if he still grieved for years to come, he had to make his life among the living and who knew, one day - soon perhaps - the grief would dissipate and become just a faint memory.

Carina would know Seven of Nine as the mother who gave birth to her, but that mother was dead. There would never be a relationship for Carina with Seven of Nine, but there would be one with Kathryn Janeway and with B'Elanna and all the other women on board Voyager. Mostly, God willing, Carina would experience the blessing of bonding with Kathryn.

It was a moment in which he loved Seven all over again for her legacy to him and ultimately, to Kathryn Janeway.

Perhaps Seven was right in wanting to name their daughter for the Captain of the ship. Then again, he valued his friendship with Kathryn so deeply that he still couldn't bear, even if it were his own child, another person close to him with the same name.

There was for him only one Kathryn.

Only one.

"Don't worry so, Chakotay," Kathryn's voice broke into his reverie. "Carina will be well looked after. If it's okay with you that I - that I do this?"

"More than okay, Kathryn." He reached to cup her cheek as she had done so many times with him.

"Thank you. I promise I'll take good care of your little girl."

"I'm sorry about what I said, Kathryn," he said with his heart hammering against his ribcage.

"You were in pain."

"Still - "

"Let's focus on the baby, shall we?"

Kathryn spared him a smile before she busied herself with talking in soft tones to Carina, hardly aware that he stood watching them, and feeling quite stupid and stupefied. It was as close to being forgiven, he realised with a pang.

For the first time since Seven died, Chakotay's eyes were wide open. He could see clearly, the terrible fog that bogged him down and that clouded his vision and his judgment, lifted finally.

Kathryn Janeway already loved Carina as if it were her very own little girl.

And, he didn't mind it one bit.

********* 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

"My, you're a greedy little thing tonight, sweetie," Kathryn murmured softly as she sat on her bed and held Carina, feeling the child's mouth clamp on her nipple. Her fingers splayed over Kathryn's full breast and Kathryn wanted to laugh at the way it seemed that the little fingers were industriously kneading her breast to expel the milk faster.

The only answer Kathryn got was the gurgling sound as Carina suckled quite strongly. She caressed the baby's hair and brushed it gently away from her face.

Everyone on board had been surprised that she was breastfeeding Carina. Even now, she still remained stunned that it was possible. She had read extensively that women who adopted babies could receive boosters to lactate so that it was possible to breastfeed them through at least the first two months of their birth.

For her it had almost not been necessary. Her own body had sprung to reaction the minute she pushed her hand through the aperture of the incubator and touched Carina's tiny body. Had her instincts been so strong then? Did she have a deep, unspoken desire to be a mother? And of Chakotay's child?

It was territory she had avoided religiously especially when Chakotay married Seven of Nine. Her own chances burned and opportunities lost, she had cut her losses and concentrated instantly on the matters at hand: Voyager, her command and her mission to take her people home. To a large extent she had succeeded and her magnificent obsession of sleeping one day in the same bed with her first officer and bearing his children and mostly, of just being a mother, had been killed by her. It was reduced to nothing as she watched the two persons dearest to her, married, in love, passionate about one another.

She had given herself no time to feel any regrets, and only sometimes, in the dead of night, she'd lie awake and dream of children...

Now, through a tragedy and the miracle that followed, she was given the rare opportunity of surrogating in a way, for a dead woman whom Kathryn hoped, nodded her head in approval.

Seven would have said, "It is irrelevant. I am dead. My daughter needs a mother."

And that would have been the end of that.

At two months, Carina had blossomed into a healthy little baby. She had taken instantly to Kathryn's breast, something which the doctor had declared, "There, I knew she'd comply." That first morning they had been in the nursery, behind a partition reserved for the privacy of breastfeeding. Of necessity they had to use the nursery for rotating crew to care for the little ones while their parents were on duty.

Carina was no different and she had been crying her little head off during her bath and when Kathryn had dressed her, all the while watched by the doctor and Chakotay she had paused long enough to open her eyes and looked straight at Kathryn.

It seemed that the entire ship had been holding its breath, for everyone had heard by then of what she was going to do. Since the moment Chakotay had marched into the ready room carrying Carina, her body had gone into overdrive and by the time the doctor had administered the booster, her breasts were so tender that it was painful just to touch it. During that night she couldn't sleep and she lay listening to her heartbeat, feeling how her body was changing, her breasts fuller than she had ever seen it.

"Please...m-may I watch?" Chakotay had stammered. Seeing his concern, his eagerness to share the moment, her own reserve and embarrassment fled as she sat down in the rocking chair. He had placed the baby in her arms and Carina, impatient and hungry, had been sobbing. Her own tears were not far away as she lifted the baby towards her nipple. Carina was six days old, had taken in little of the formula that had been prepared and which her body had rejected. Her weight was down and it was a colossal test to see if she would take to Kathryn's milk. They had taken a chance, and one that worked, for the baby, smelling Kathryn again, nudged blindly towards the food source and the moment her rosy mouth tasted the first drops her lips sought naturally, instinctively, latching and suckling as if her life depended on it. Her life did depend on it.

She had ignored Chakotay and the doctor in the first minute that she had been too stunned as the baby drew her milk which seemed to rush like a torrent into her breast. It worked and minutes later she had dutifully held the baby up to be burped.

Carina's eyes had closed after that and when Kathryn looked at Chakotay, there were tears in his eyes. His hand had been on her shoulder and she could feel how it trembled, the moment for both of them too moving to say anything. Just a gentle nod of approval.

No, she had not been embarrassed that first morning, taking out her breast and feeding his daughter. Afterwards he had  knelt down next to the rocker and touched her cheek.

"Thank you, Kathryn..."

"You'll have to advise me on Carina's living arrangements, Chakotay..." she had said softly, not wanting to impose on him or poach. She was the baby's food source, nothing more. After a few months, everything would be back to normal, Carina weaned off her breast and ready to take in normal milk based on the composition of her own. She had had a discussion with the doctor and as long as she kept it as just another job helping out her friend, she was fine. Chakotay had made his position pretty clear regarding Carina's status in her life and it was what she had to accept.

Kathryn rocked back to the present when her door chimed.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm not supposed to fall in love with you, and I guess I was a lost cause from the time you opened your eyes and looked at me," she whispered to the baby. On her command to enter, the doors swished open just as she had settled Carina on the bed and tidied herself.

"Kathryn, I - " she heard Chakotay's voice behind her. She turned, and he smiled as his eyes rested on her first, then went to the baby lying quietly on the bed.

"What?"

"I was going to ask if Carina could sleep in with you tonight..."

Kathryn thought that Chakotay had ample opportunity during the day to ask.

"You're going somewhere, Chakotay?" she teased, glad to see him smile again. Two months after Seven's death and she thought he handled himself well. She had no doubt that he still grieved. She had been in his quarters late one evening settling in the baby when she heard him cry out in his sleep and thrashing around in bed.

"The holodeck. I haven't been working out for some time. Carina has been a demanding little thing, hasn't she?" he replied, bending down to touch the sleeping baby.

"It's fine, Chakotay. Though I think it would be better if she stayed in your quarters. I - "

"Please... She's only quiet when she's with you, you know..."

Kathryn gave him a long look. His accusation still rankled and she had been excessively careful in the last two months not to get too close to the baby, though it was a hopeless cause. But she wasn't going to tell him that. He'd already used very powerful ammunition to reduce her to nothing. Better that he didn't know.

"My position must be made clear, Commander. I think it would be best for me, for you and ultimately, for Carina."

"That you remain just Captain Janeway for her? What about 'Aunt Kathryn' the way Miral and Jamie Hamilton are calling you?"

"That will do then," she sighed, turning to pick up the baby and easing her gently into the crib Chakotay had made for her quarters and which stood next to her bed. It had been the best arrangement, with some of Carina's clothing and furniture moved from Chakotay's quarters.

"Oh, Kathryn..."

"Now, go," she ordered him. "I'll take care of her for the night. Don't worry. I'll take her to the nursery in the morning. Mariah and Noah Lessing are on duty on the Alpha shift..."

Chakotay hesitated, opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something again and her own heart raced wildly at the anticipation of it. But he simply nodded and left her cabin quietly.

****

A month later they were on the bridge in their command chairs. Kathryn stared longingly at the planet that appeared red, like Mars. Chakotay, looking at her, smiled and then leaned over to touch her hand.

"Your turn for shore leave, Kathryn," he said amiably. When she could pull her gaze away from the scene on the viewscreen and spared him a glance, she too smiled.

"You know I haven't had - "

"Any off days for the last three months. You have accumulated five days..."

"I was hardly aware of it, Chakotay," she responded, turning to stare at Adromax, 2nd planet of the star system, M-class with oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere.

"I don't blame you, Captain. I was not myself in recent months - "

"Nonsense, I think you've carried yourself well, Commander. You came on duty a week before your compassionate leave was over and - "

"You never said anything..."

"Well," she conceded, "work is sometimes a good healer..."

"I'll not argue with you on that, but I do wish you well, for the three days you're taking off. Carina will miss you, no doubt."

"She has her Daddy who must feed her, bathe her and put her to sleep. What can I say?"

"She'll miss you?"

"I told you before, Commander. Don't resort to blackmail."

"Captain! I beg to differ with you on that. It was only stating the - "

"I'm going. I need to be away..." Kathryn cut in, "and recharge. It's been a...difficult three months, you understand?"

Chakotay gave a little sigh. Kathryn had kept him at arm's length since the day she agreed to help him with Carina, and he couldn't blame her. Sometimes he could see the clouds still in her eyes, in moments when she let her guard down. Then he knew she thought of that day in sick bay when he said those damning words. With Carina she had been caring, loving even, but he could see how she pulled back into her private world where he couldn't touch her.

It hurt him, the knowledge that Kathryn was just doing a job.

The hand that had been covered by his all the time they had talked, slipped out and rested on her lap.

"I understand, Kathryn," he said finally.

****

Chakotay held three month old Carina in his arms while Kathryn kissed her forehead. They were standing in the transporter room and several of the crew had already beamed down. B'Elanna, mother again for a second time with two month old Owen, elected to stay behind and help him with Carina.

Carina could smile already. Chakotay chuckled inwardly. Predictably, she reserved her smiles for Kathryn.

But he worried a little. Even as Kathryn kept herself aloof from the child, Carina was drawing closer and closer to the woman who, to all intents and purposes, was her mother. She lay against Kathryn's breast when she fed; she fell asleep there. That day in Kathryn's ready room he had told her that Carina had committed her smell to her memory and he hadn't been lying. He knew Kathryn knew it. The doctor knew it and hell, even most of the crew knew it. Carina loved Kathryn, that was as clear as daylight. How was he going to separate child from Captain when the time came that Kathryn would demand it?

"Say bye-bye to Aunt Kathryn, honey," he instructed and Carina gurgled happily.

"Bye, sweetie," Kathryn said, then retreated from them to stand on the transporter pad.

Within seconds, Kathryn was gone and he stood there, alone with Carina who promptly started bawling her eyes out.

*************** 

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

 Chakotay was at his wits' end. B'Elanna glared at him. Owen junior wiggled in her arms although he was only two months old.

"Have you given her formula?" she asked. They were in his part of their joint quarters and it looked a mess. Clothes lay scattered around him and Carina's toys were all over. A square baby comforter was spread out on the floor and Carina had lain on it before he picked up the restless baby to try and soothe her.

"Yes, I've given her formula. Mariah helped me bathe her and Marla Gilmore took her to the holodeck this morning. Noah sang for with her and Susan played the oboe. Naomi lent Carina her precious targ. Nothing helps. She hasn't stopped crying, B'Elanna."

"What did the Doctor say?"

"Why are you barking at me?" he asked, feeling harassed.

"What did he say?" B'Elanna insisted as if she accused him of pinching the baby.

"We haven't been to sickbay. I don't know what's wrong - "

"Take her to sickbay now," B'Elanna ordered and half pushed him towards the door of his quarters. "I'll tidy up here."

"There's nothing - "

"Go, Chakotay, before you have everyone worried about the baby."

Chakotay rocked the baby gently, tried to quieten her. It was twenty four hours since Kathryn had left the ship to enjoy her shore leave and Carina had been restless and cried most of the time. She had been fine during the day, but when night came, Carina sensed Kathryn wasn't there. That was when she started fretting and she hadn't stopped since. Kathryn would be away for three days and this was only day one. How was he going to cope with the squalling child? When he was outside the cabin, striding down the corridor as fast as he could to the nearest turbolift, he was accosted by Samantha Wildman.

"Commander, Carina still crying?" she asked, unnecessarily, since Carina's bawling could be heard practically all over the ship.

"She doesn't like me right now, Sam," he complained as he entered the turbolift.

"You might want to have her examined by the EMH," she suggested. "He'll give her something, I'm sure. "

How many passing crew suggested the same thing? He felt mildly irritated but tried to remain upbeat. They were only trying to help. Hadn't Kathryn said the same thing three months ago? That day he threw her offer right back in her face.

"Hopefully he'll tell me what's the matter with her," he replied. Sam stood in the corridor looking at him through the still open turbolift doors. "What?" he said, a little confused..

"It's not difficult to see what's the matter, Commander," she said, smiling. "They call it separation anxiety."

Before he had time to reply, the doors closed and the turbolift resounded with the child's cries which had turned to screams. He felt like climbing the walls of the lift. He had not had a full hour of sleep since the previous day and his nerves were frayed at the edges. He wished he had a calming influence on his daughter. The past three months it had been wonderful seeing her blossom with Kathryn. But Carina had bonded with him too and recently started smiling when he made cooing noises for her. He had begun to feel oddly jealous that Carina leaned towards Kathryn more than she did towards her own father.

Maybe she had a tummy bug. He dismissed that idea, thinking that he would have noticed the results of it although she had refused to eat or drink her formula. What was it Sam had said about anxiety? He couldn't remember. He touched the baby's cheek and feeling like he wanted to cry himself. She felt warm, feverish. He guess it was her crying, but it was prudent to let the EMH determine what was wrong with her. Either that, or he was too blind to see what was so obvious or denying the truth of it.

"Hey, sweetie, we're going to see Doctor. You know Doctor? Yes, the one who delivered you...that one..."

Carina had stopped crying abruptly when he mentioned the doctor and Chakotay gave a sigh of relief. The relief was short-lived, though. The next moment the hysterical crying started again. As the turbolift doors opened he hastened outside and almost ran down the corridor to sickbay.

"What's wrong with the baby, Commander?" a concerned crewman asked.

"I'm hoping the doctor can tell me."

"I sure hope he can help, Commander. Baby's been fretful since the Captain left." Meryck Lando stressed the 'captain'.

"Thank you, Meryck. You're a real comfort."

The crewman smiled. "Glad I could help, Commander."

********

"And what can I do for you, Commander?"

Chakotay, frustrated at the way the baby cried, barked, "Can you please make her stop crying?"

"Fine, I'll give her a shot of brandy. That should do the trick," the EMH quipped.

"Doctor..."

"OK, let's see what we can do for this sweet little thing," he said, taking the child from Chakotay. The doctor held Carina up, looked into her eyes. She had stopped crying, and hiccoughed as she squared off with the doctor. "Your Daddy tells me you won't stop crying."  Carina gurgled, her cheeks tear stained. Chakotay breathed easier for a few seconds when Carina tried to touch the EMH's face. Suddenly, her face crumpled and the crying started over again. "Oh, my..."

"See, Doctor? I don't know what to do with her," Chakotay said, exasperated. "It has been a continuous wail the last twenty four hours. Even during the night... Especially during the night."

The doctor put Carina on the biobed, and started examining her. "She's not wet, there's no tummy bug, no ear ache, she's not hungry..." he said as he kept scanning. Carina, diverted by the shiny scanner, stopped again, only to start her whimpering when the EMH put the scanner back in the tricorder.

The doctor lifted the baby into his arms, tried to placate her by patting her back gently. Chakotay watched, uncertain what to do next. The baby missed Kathryn, he knew, but he hadn't wanted to hail her on Adromax and alert her that Carina wanted to be in her company. She had made it pretty clear to him she didn't want to be disturbed. Did he see a light go up in the doctor's eyes?

"You know of course, Commander, that your daughter has bonded with the woman who breastfed her."

"Yes...I realise that."

"Follow me," he said, moving towards the sickbay doors and Chakotay, struck mute for a minute, wondered what the doctor was planning to do.

Moments later they were next door, in the nursery, where the doctor walked straight to the small alcove. Chakotay followed, frowning as the doctor stopped near the rocking chair. Lately, B'Elanna had been breastfeeding Owen there. He hadn't been to the nursery in a while. The EMH smiled as he handed the baby to Chakotay. A terry robe, in soft white had been hanging on a hook against one panel. The doctor took the robe and held it in his hands like something precious. Kathryn  used it whenever she was feeding Carina.

Carina nuzzled her face against the EMH in a restless, agitated motion, crying plaintively this time.

"Doctor, what - ?" Chakotay started, then it dawned on him. Like a thunderbolt, the realisation struck deep into his heart.

The EMH held the robe to the baby, nuzzled it against her face, then pulled it away, smiling knowingly as both saw how Carina raised her head and leaned towards the robe.

"Like most animal young, Commander, they operate on smell. Carina, as I've often said in the beginning, has the Captain's smell as part of her memory. Look at her..."

Carina's whimpering stopped as she rubbed her face into the robe, then started gurgling, smiling through her tears.

"Spirits..." whispered Chakotay. "Oh spirits..."

"Here, take your child and take the robe."

Chakotay complied, too stunned to say anything further.

"Commander, now you know what you must do. Meanwhile, I'm going back to sickbay, and don't bring that child to me unless she's due for a medical or something's drastically wrong with her..."

The doctor vanished, leaving Chakotay gaping.

The baby was happily pulling the cloth to her mouth and sucking like mad. Chakotay thought that at three months and born prematurely, Carina was developing fast, or normal as B'Elanna would have it. She was finally quiet and Chakotay breathed a huge sigh of relief. The whole night he had been awake tending to the baby, he had been thinking of Kathryn down on Andromax and her role in his daughter's life. A germ of a thought then, now suddenly sprouted furiously as he looked at his baby lying quietly in his arms.

"Carina, there is something I have to do, and sweetie, you're going to help Daddy, right?" he spoke to the little baby who seemed to take no notice of him and whose eyes had already started drooping. "So much for paying attention to your elders..." he mumbled as he wrapped Carina gently in Kathryn's robe and hit his commbadge.

"Chakotay to Kim."

"Aye, Commander."

"I need a favour. Relieve Tuvok at the bridge at 1700. I'll rearrange our shifts as soon as I return..."

"Aye, Commander. Has Carina been giving you grief?"

"Chakotay out."

He walked to his quarters first and gathered some things for the baby before making his way to the transporter room. Ensign Torrence looked up in surprise when Chakotay entered, a hold-all slung over one shoulder and carrying the sleeping baby wrapped in a terry robe.

"We have not cleared babies under six months - "

"Carina will be fine. Just beam us down, will you? Here are the co-ordinates..."

Torrence looked at the PADD, then frowned as he entered the co-ordinates and waited for Chakotay to take his place on the transporter pad.

"Commander, these are Captain - "

"I'm very well aware of where I'm going, Torrence. Ready?"

"Aye, Commander."

The next moment, Chakotay, touching the face of his little golden haired angel, dematerialised and transported to the given coordinates. He blinked furiously  as the bright sun hit him square in the eyes.

A quick investigation into the depths of the robe assured him that Carina was fine; she was in fact still sleeping. Chakotay smiled tenderly, then on an impulse bent down and kissed Carina's cheek. The baby didn't stir.

He looked around him. They were near a market place and here and there he could see the uniforms of the Voyager crew.

"Lovely day for it, Commander!"

"Good day, Commander. What a surprise to see you planetside."

"I thought you're on duty, Chakotay," Dalby's voice rang quite close to him and when he turned, saw Dalby holding Marla Gilmore's hand.

"The baby wanted to come for a walk," he replied, then moved in the direction of the end of the marketplace.

"But isn't that the Captain's robe? Commander?"

"Good for her. She's not crying, Commander. How...uh, peaceful."

Chakotay ignored the easy teasing of the crew and walked towards the far end. It was relatively quiet there and once he looked into the contents of Kathryn's robe to check on Carina. She had opened her eyes and lay sucking the gown again. Did she sense where they were going?

The small locale consisted only of about ten houses. Kathryn had, much against her will, given him information of her whereabouts in case of any emergency. Although she had her commbadge activated at all times, no one had to disturb her.

"But I've no choice, Carina. We have to put our best foot forward today, or else we're going to scare the Captain and then what will become of us?"

Carina lay, ignoring his musings, just once turning her head to fix brilliant blue eyes on him. His heart contracted a second. She looked so much like Seven; it hit him in the gut every time. It was easier now, though once or twice he had vivid dreams in which Seven was still alive, laughing like any young woman in love and happy at the prospect of becoming a mother. He had to become used to looking at Carina and try to put her mother's death behind him. It hadn't been easy, but he was getting there.

Now, Kathryn...

He gave a little sigh as he neared the small house where Kathryn was staying.

_Can I count on you as my friend? I need you..._

_My daughter needs more than just a provider of food, Kathryn..._

"It's now or never, Carina," he whispered softly to the baby.

The front door, surprisingly, stood open. Chakotay gave a soft knock anyway and stepped inside. Already, his tricorder had picked up her presence in the house so she was home. He settled the baby against him, and cursed himself for not bringing her in the strollers the crew used for the toddlers.

In a small lounge, light coming through a window at opposite end, Kathryn sat in a large comfy chair, her feet curled up under her, holding a book in her hand.

"Kathryn?"

She looked up. Chakotay thought she looked beautiful, aloof, at peace as she rested the book in her lap, though leaving it open.

"What are you doing here, Chakotay? Is something wrong with Carina?" Her concern was palpable, immediate.

"No - no... there nothing wrong with Carina... Kathryn, there's something wrong with Carina..."

What the hell was he doing?

Kathryn rose to her feet. Without her boots, she looked even smaller, and barely reached his shoulder.

"She's wearing my robe, I see."

"Yes, Kathryn, it was the only thing that - that could stop her crying. She's been crying non-stop since you left..."

"All the time?"

Kathryn's eyes misted as she touched the baby, whose face promptly broke into a smile.

"And we - I..."

"What is it, Chakotay? You seem flustered."

"We didn't want to disturb you. But Carina, she - "

"Chakotay..."

"Kathryn, will you marry us, please?"

************* 

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

Kathryn could feel her cheeks going red. Chakotay's proposal was out of the blue, totally stunning. It was nothing that she had expected from him. She did what she had to do for a friend, did it because she loved him and couldn't let his daughter suffer.

Still, those parameters that had always been in place since they had known one another, were about to be shattered. It depended only on what she would say in  response to his fantastic suggestion.

She had come down to Andromax to find a measure of peace, to get away from Chakotay and his daughter. The last twenty four hours had been hard, and her peace hard won, whatever measure of it she found here. She read poetry, and allowed the beauty of it to dissipate her painful introspection and whatever it was that there had been between them once.

Yes, her peace was about to be shattered.

How could it not, when father and daughter looked at her with so much anticipation in their eyes? Even Carina, only three months old, joined forces with Chakotay and managed to have a questioning look in her eyes, and the rosiest of lips quivering as if she were going to burst into tears if Kathryn didn't answer anytime soon.

What could she tell them?

"You say 'we', Chakotay?" she managed at last, her shock subsiding and finding her elusive voice.

She knew she sounded cynical and edgy. They were about to disturb her peace.

"I know it's a big decision to make, Kathryn, but Carina...you see, she can't wait."

"You want to marry me, Chakotay?"

"Yes..." he said slowly. "Yes, I want to marry you."

"Why?"

"Carina - "

"Yes, there it is...Carina. What you want is someone - I believe I've already done you that favour, Commander - to take care of your baby, to breastfeed her and - and..."

"To love her, like you would your own daughter, Kathryn," he replied softly.

"I have no daughter."

"You're smarter than that. You know what I mean."

Something broke in her, the bitterness exposed for a moment only.

"You told me - "

"I know what I said, Kathryn. I can't tell you how many times I've regretted that. I know I hurt you. I know I'm probably not good Daddy material myself and much less - much less..."

"Husband material?"

She saw him clench his jaw, a nerve that twitched as he tried to curb his anger. Carina started crying.

"I had this idea it wasn't going to be easy, but I guess we'll just have to go back to where we were Kathryn. Carina crying like mad after you, and me... I want to marry you. I want Carina to have a father and a mother. One of these days she'll learn to talk and then..."

She took the baby quietly out of his arms and held Carina to her bosom. For a few seconds she buried her face against the child, inhaling her baby smell, cool, powder freshness. Carina nuzzled against her, her mouth hungrily searching for her food source.

"I'm her Aunty Kathryn, Chakotay."

"No..."

"Yes."

"Please... I know she'll be looked after by the crew. But then Carina - she will be everybody's daughter and nobody's daughter..."

That got to her.

Carina was nobody's daughter. Chakotay was right. Her eyes misted.

"You want me to be her mommy?"

"Yes, Kathryn. We both want that. Look, she's ready for a feed..."

"And she's going to call me Mommy?"

"I want that very much, Kathryn. But, I would also like you to be my wife - "

"Seven..."

"It was good, what we had, Kathryn. Maybe it wasn't perfect. But she's gone, and...look, if you're worried that I'll make any demands..."

"So this is another job, Chakotay."

She knew she sounded harsh, unfeeling, but she had to know. Chakotay had been widowed only three months. His mouth opened and closed as he stared at her. He had to accept her terms. She sat down in her big chair again when Carina started fretting. Strange, she thought as she opened the top of her culotte, how it didn't bother her that Chakotay was watching. She experienced the thrill again when milk seemed to rush into her breasts the minute Carina latched greedily onto one nipple and started suckling strongly, making little sounds of pleasure as her hand kneaded into Kathryn's flesh. Sharp thrills shot through her body and the next few minutes she allowed the pleasure of it to suffuse her.

How could it be another job? A baby, not her own, was drinking from her through a miracle that happened. She loved Carina to the point of desperation. The barrier, the fact that it wasn't her child, always brought her to the rude reality of the situation. She looked down and stroked Carina's hair, surprised when tears dropped on her hand.

If she wanted Carina, she had to take Carina's father, too.

She couldn't let him know of her feelings. Not now, not after everything happened, not after Seven... Kathryn closed her eyes at the thought of Seven of Nine and the accident. She loved Chakotay's motherless little baby and if she said yes, it would be her child.

"Kathryn?"

"Yes, Chakotay. I'll be her mother and I'll be the wife of her father. Nothing more. We don't share the same bed, but I'll make arrangements for a partition between our quarters..."

"Carina will be yours, Kathryn. Thank you..."

There was no kiss to seal the arrangement, no hugging to express abiding affection. Just a simple 'thank you.' It was the way she wanted it, for now.

One day, she knew, he'd look at her again the same way he did on New Earth, where no parameters existed between them. Sometimes in those days, his eyes had shone fiercely with love and pride and protection.

"I want to do everything and more for you, Kathryn..." were his words then.

"One day, Chakotay, you'll probably eat those words..." had been her reply.

*********

They stayed on Andromax for two more days. Chakotay had slept in the lounge while Carina roomed in with Kathryn during the night. In the early morning Chakotay would knock on the door and come in, just to watch Carina feed. His eyes looked clear, Kathryn had thought.  In retrospect, she realised how worried he had been, knowing that her initial suggestion served only as a temporary measure to help Carina and that Carina kept pining for her.

Now, his face looked relaxed. She had hoped that by morning she'd see something in his eyes, a lightening of the mood, the old, gentle teasing. It didn't dampen her own spirits when Carina woke up and she changed the little one's diaper. It was 0500 hours and minutes later, the baby had gone to sleep again. Kathryn had held her in her arms all evening, and later she reluctantly cushioned the area next to her on the bed where Carina could sleep.

It had been a good two days. Chakotay had been supportive, Carina didn't cry anymore unless she needed a diaper change or was too impatient to drink. Kathryn had a mind to wean her slowly off her breast. Her time on the bridge made consistent breastfeeding difficult, and she was glad to share the doctor's view that at least, Carina got through her first months a healthy baby, weighing almost the normal average weight for her age.

The crew had also been the biggest surprise when they returned to Voyager.

"She needs someone she can call Mommy, Captain."

"Thank you, Marla."

"Even if she can't speak now, she already sees you as her mother."

B'Elanna, back in the nursery with Owen junior, had given her a strange look.

"We always knew you'd be perfect with Chakotay."

"Too many things have happened, B'Elanna. Some of those things...Well, it's no use harking back on what might have been."

"Seven only wanted the baby for one reason, Captain - "

"B'Elanna!"

"It's true," the words burst from her. "She couldn't deal with you being in Chakotay's life."

"We've always been friends. I've kept my distance."

B'Elanna sighed.

"I'm glad Seven's dead - "

"B'Elanna!" Kathryn cried out again. "How can you say that?"

"She - " B'Elanna paused. "She... I'm just thinking out loud, Captain. Ignore it. I'm just glad you're going to marry Chakotay. So what's with the separate beds, then?"

She felt the blush creeping to her cheeks.

"We want to be there for Carina first, you...understand?"

Another penetrating look from B'Elanna, then the Chief Engineer relented and backed down.

"Okay, one partition coming up, two separate beds, one crib on your side and..."

"What...?"

"Don't make him wait too long, Captain..."

*********

"Come," Kathryn ordered when her ready room door chimed. It didn't surprise her to see the officer standing there. Tuvok paused on the threshold, then took a few steps forward until he stood in front of her desk. He held a PADD in his hand and Kathryn sighed deeply.

"You know," he stated.

"It may not be the right moment to reveal the findings, Commander."

He held the PADD to her and she reluctantly took it. Then he stood, hands behind his back.

"You should have informed Commander Chakotay about the results of my investigation immediately after the accident. He should not be held in the dark about - "

"And I told you it may not be the right time."

"You also said that three months ago, Captain. We cannot protect him any longer."

"Tuvok..."

"The truth."

Kathryn rose to her feet, and went to stand near the viewport.

It was so difficult. Chakotay would be devastated if he knew what really happened that day. No, she couldn't tell him. In her bottom drawer lay the personal PADD Seven had left for her. It gnawed at her for months. No one knew, and her silence had been left to eat away at her while on the outside she had to present a Captain who also took charge of the primary care of Seven's baby.  She turned to look at Tuvok. He remained where he was,  his expression as impassive as always. He had bowed to her command the first time he made her aware of the results of the shuttle crash investigations. No one else had seen the results  - they were encrypted and logged in Tuvok's official reports, and with hers.

She pictured Seven of Nine, hours before she and Dillinger left on that fateful mission. Seven had looked austere, again like in the old days on Voyager and not the open, flexible, and more animated being who had been Chakotay's wife for three years. She should have seen it then. Only, Seven had convinced her the mission would not endanger her, Dillinger or her unborn child. Yet, there was something in Seven's demeanour that day, something Kathryn couldn't put her finger on. Seven had never been devious, never known lies and deceit and didn't live her newly experienced humanity by those codes. She was artless. Her own decision to send Seven had been made, despite the fact that there had been that tiny sliver of doubt about Seven's motives. She had dismissed the austereness, the unnatural glint in Seven's eyes...

The accident, Dillinger and Seven's death - she had found forgiveness difficult. She should have known. That was what plagued her mercilessly the last three months.

Kathryn remembered B'Elanna's words. "Seven only wanted the baby for one reason."

Were B'Elanna's words the sentiment of the crew? She hadn't wanted to pursue any thoughts on what B'Elanna said to her, hadn't wanted to entertain the unthinkable again. Seven and Chakotay made a beautiful little angel. The mother died without ever seeing the result of her union with her husband. Nothing could be more terrible than that. She shook her head. No, she couldn't do it to Chakotay, not to her best friend, soon to be husband.

"Tuvok, let me decide when the moment is right, will you?" she said softly, cursing herself for sounding like she pleaded with her Chief of Security.

"You will be married to Commander Chakotay, Captain. There should be no deceit within a marriage."

"I know. But this will shatter him, you understand?"

"I understand only that a man will not die from hearing the truth. But I shall honour your wishes, Captain."

"I appreciate that."

"Then, Captain, tonight at 1700 hours, I shall conduct the ceremony."

"Thank you, Tuvok."

She picked up the PADD containing the damning evidence and handed it back to Tuvok.

"When the time is right, as you said, Captain."

********

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

 Over the next few months Carina blossomed in the care of her parents. She had finally been weaned off the breast and had taken albeit a little reluctantly, to being bottle-fed. Chakotay couldn't stop being awed by how his daughter had taken naturally to Kathryn as if Kathryn herself had given birth to the child.

He had been too out of it those first few days to notice how Carina had bonded with her new mother, and while she had been eager to be in the arms of other crewmembers, liking B'Elanna and Mariah, Samantha and Marla Gilmore, it was always her mother she wanted, squealing happily whenever Kathryn fetched her from the nursery. Sometimes he fetched Carina and when she saw her mother, would pitch out of his arms to be with her.

It didn't surprise him that Kathryn once again determined the parameters for their union. They shared a joined quarters, but never slept together. It was what she wanted and he couldn't blame her. He had disappointed her too deeply after New Earth. Also, she was convinced his proposal was made only so he could get Carina to stop crying.

But she wanted Carina. He couldn't miss that in the way she cared for the baby. It was natural, unforced and enjoyable. Kathryn loved Carina, and now that they were married, she had given full vent to that love, where before he had always been too aware of the fact that she was just doing him a favour and that she was holding back on her affection for the child.

It burned him up inside when he watched them. Carina was making baby sounds and reveled being with two people who loved her. It settled the peace in him too, though there were times that Kathryn's eyes darkened with something she remembered, or when she gave him a long penetrating look that he couldn't figure what she was thinking. He had never intruded, never wanted to ask her if something was wrong.

In a sense, they were happy. They had fallen quite easily onto their old familiarity of dining together, teasing, laughing. Many nights she had come over to his side of their joined quarters and they'd studied reports into the early hours of the morning. It was thrilling, invigorating and challenging. He realised how much he missed that when still married to Seven, and Kathryn had been extremely tactful then of never intruding. All their long evenings when looking over reports and comparing notes were done either in the boardroom or her ready room and sometimes, in Kathryn's quarters. Now, they did it in the comfort of their quarters.

And Seven... Chakotay sighed.  

It wasn't something he wished to broadcast. Despite his assurances, she could never be fully convinced that they were only studying reports in her ready room or her quarters. In that respect, she was just a woman, his wife, who resented Kathryn's position as his colleague, his superior, and most importantly, his closest friend. Seven would become impassive for days, until his own insistent passion whittled down her resentment.

No one had seen it, and Seven, able to adapt to any situation, had learned very quickly to disguise her feelings towards Kathryn Janeway. He had been unwilling for months before Seven's death, to admit that something was wrong. Seven had wanted a baby.  He wanted to wait. Until now, watching Kathryn with Carina, he could never explain why he wanted to wait with Seven.

Suddenly, a conversation burst upon him, coming to him from years ago when he had been stranded with Kathryn on New Earth.

"So tell me again what it was you told Paris that day after we rescued the two of you."

He must have asked Kathryn that question a hundred times. And Kathryn, bless her, always responded with a lift of the eyebrow, humouring him greatly. There was always an underlying seriousness though.

"I thought of having children, just not with you."

"You want to be a mother one day? Do you think I could make good daddy material? For your little girl?"

And her reply, always:

"Guilty on all counts, Commander."

The sun had been behind her and her hair shone golden bronze. Her look had been teasing, then serious. The next moment she had dived into the rock pool. He had followed her, caught up quickly and then made her stand in his arms, almost neck deep in water.

"I'd like that, Kathryn Janeway. I'd like that very much..."

Life, Chakotay decided, never dealt one the cards one wanted.

He had to play with what he got. He remembered Tom Paris's words, "Life stinks, Chakotay, but you can still play a winning hand..."

Kathryn was not to be for him. Voyager came and collected. It did more than that. It killed Kathryn, turned her into an efficient leader who put away the fun and games and laughter of New Earth. His yearning, the old, old desideratum that kept him alive, dimmed. If he were truthful, it never went away. He only very successfully sublimated it, got on with his life and fell for the one woman whose eyes lit up with pathetic eagerness because he took notice of her. He had a good life with Seven.

It wasn't perfect.

Seven of Nine realised it. Striving for perfection, even in their marriage, she realised that being human came with many, many frailties. And so she wanted a child, because she thought it would make things right.

Or perfect.

The pill of that realisation was as hard as it was bitter.

Kathryn with Carina was perfect.

Funny how, try as he might, he couldn't picture Seven of Nine with Carina, even when Seven was alive. He was happy that they were pregnant, but he was happy for her. 

*****************

It was morning, and Chakotay was in Kathryn's quarters watching her feed Carina who was sitting in her high chair and banging her own little spoon on the tray.

"You have great patience with her, Kathryn," he said. She looked up, a little distracted.

"You work with her in the evening, Chakotay. I'd say you're the one with patience."

The pleasure spread through him.

"Chakotay..."

"What is it?"

"It's Carina's birthday next week."

"I thought it best if we didn't celebrate, Kathryn..."

"I understand."

He thought he heard a soft sigh escape her.

"It's not what you think."

"What was I thinking, Chakotay?"

"We're in hostile space, in case you didn't notice," he said, by way of explanation.

"Then, as soon as we're out? A belated little celebration, perhaps?"

"That's fine with me. Kathryn..."

She looked up just after wiping Carina's mouth and lifting her out of the chair.

"What is it?"

He sighed. Some evenings, he watched her while she slept, wondering at the way she sometimes murmured his name.

"No, it's nothing."

****

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

Chakotay looked on indulgently as Carina torpedoed towards them in the nursery. Her hair had grown long and it fanned about her as she moved. Kathryn bent down; laughing and waving, Carina hurtled into her and almost threw her off balance.

"Oh, sweetie, did you miss me?"

"Mommy!"

And Daddy? Carina gave her father a glance.

"Dadda!"

Chakotay hugged mother and daughter and kissed Carina.

"She's been very good today, Commander," Marla Gilmore said as she held the hand of Owen junior who wanted to rush towards them too.

"Come on, out with it, Marla. What happened today?"

Marla gave a sigh and smiled sheepishly.

"Uh...she got into two fights, Commander. But you said that if - "

"That's okay, Marla. We're not going to run to the nursery every time Carina punches Owen."

"Or Owen punches her," Kathryn added drily.

"Well, whoever's on duty tomorrow will have a hard time, Captain."

"Don't worry, the parents will pop in from time to time. B'Elanna will be here shortly, then you can have a well-earned rest."

"Oh no, Captain! I have violin practice with Itzhak Perlman..."

"Who?" Chakotay asked.

"Great violinist of the 20th century," Marla replied, blushing a little.

"Well, enjoy your practice session then."

When they were in the corridor, Kathryn berated him.

"You know she trains with Itzhak Perlman in the holodeck, Chakotay..."

"You know me when I tease. She's so eager to do well, Kathryn."

"Yes...yes, she is, isn't she?"

Kathryn had suddenly become pensive, not noticing how Carina was pulling her hair or planting moist kisses on her cheek. He knew she was thinking of the hard time she had given Marla, Noah Lessing and the others during the Equinox incident. He touched her shoulder, glad that she didn't flinch.

"You did well, Kathryn," he said softly.

"I had you to pull me in line. Thank you."

He was gratified by her response. Meanwhile, Carina found Kathryn's row of rank pips too interesting as she tried to remove them.

"No, sweetie, you can't demote Mommy..."

"Mine!"

"You're thinking what I'm thinking?" Kathryn asked him, her mood a little lighter.

"Just remember, Captain, she saw you first before she saw me. I'm but a poor second in the role-model stakes."

"She's only eighteen months. Be patient."

But Chakotay couldn't help notice how Kathryn's eyes lit up. Did she ever have any idea how much she adored Carina, and how his compliment made her bask? Once inside the cabin, she put Carina down and allowed the child to run around the lounge. Carina made a beeline for her toys in Kathryn's room. Kathryn stood watching until Carina vanished into her bedroom.

He sighed. It was now eighteen months since Seven's death. Carina knew only one mother and he wanted to be more than just a trophy Kathryn sported at functions or when dignitaries came on board or they went to homeworlds for official engagements. Sometimes she caught him watching her and he could feel the warmth creeping to his cheeks. At others, he caught her watching him, then look away quickly as if she were ashamed of  letting him see that she was vulnerable. The tell-tale blush was enough to convince him that Kathryn was changing towards him. Most nights in recent months he woke up in a sweat, dreaming he was in bed with Kathryn or that they were making love.

One night he heard her whimpering in her sleep. Carina had been ten months old then. He had wondered what to do, then on impulse lifted the baby out of the crib and placed her next to her mother. Kathryn's arm had gone instinctively round the body of the still sleeping baby. Even in sleep, Kathryn was careful, not squashing the child. Carina had also wormed herself deeper in her mother's arms and Chakotay had stood a long time just watching mother and daughter.

Out of nowhere it seemed to him, came the urge to touch Kathryn and he leaned over to caress her cheek. It felt warm and incredibly soft to the touch. Kathryn had moved only slightly, but she murmured his name in her sleep.

"Are you going to stand there dreaming, Chakotay?" Kathryn's voice came through the fog of his meandering thoughts.

Her hair was slightly mussed from Carina's tampering, and she had not bothered to smooth it like she always had. He reached out and touched it. It was silky soft as he let the strands run through his fingers. Did her eyes grow warm? Did he hear a soft sound like the holding of breath? He couldn't tell, for the next moment, drawn irresistibly to the parted lips and the breathing that seemed to wait for something, he lowered his head to kiss her. 

It was a light touch, a tentative exploration lest she jumped away from him. But Kathryn's lips were warm and soft under his as he increased the pressure. Emboldened, he rested his hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer, hearing how she moaned when her lips opened under his. The heat seared through him. A little gasp escaped just before he plunged her mouth, warm and moist from their mingling breath. He groaned when Kathryn's arms went round his neck and for several seconds, intoxicated by her smell, her nearness and the feel of her lips under his, images of New Earth came to him. Kathryn laughing; Kathryn running from him and he chasing her; Kathryn naked in their rock pool. Kathryn's lips warm and pliant under his...

A second only he took time to breathe, to break contact. Her eyes were glowing, like a cat's, and her lips were very red and soft as if all the blood in her body rushed there. Something burned behind his eyelids, a long forgotten and suddenly remembered vision of Kathryn free, without reserve, their friendship in place and their loving part of that friendship.

"Oh, spirits, Kathryn..."

His thumbs caressed her damp cheeks; she melted into him and gave another groan . He was aroused and didn't care anymore. He wanted her as badly as he had always wanted her. His hands caught her hair and he pulled her head back and burned kisses in her neck.

"Chakotay..."

Then, suddenly, Kathryn broke contact and backed away. He stood bereft. Far-off he could hear Carina's chattering. There was a buzz in his ears.

"Kathryn?"

"No...no, this can't be..." she whispered.

"We're married, Kathryn. It's normal..."

"I - not now, Chakotay." Kathryn turned quickly away from him, smoothing down her hair, her uniform, escaping into her bedroom. He followed her there and found her sitting head in her hands on her bed. Carina, too happy to play with her toys, kept herself busy chattering to Flotter. Sitting down beside Kathryn, he placed his arm carefully round her shoulder. When she didn't demur, he pulled her closer to him.

"This - this has gone on long enough, don't you think?" he asked softly.

"What, the non-participation in the marriage bed?"

He sighed. He wanted to remind her it was her rule.

"Everything, Kathryn. Everything except the love we show our daughter. We have great accord as far as Carina is concerned."

"It's why I married you, isn't it?"

He swore under his breath, the action causing Kathryn to get up quickly and put distance between them.

"The only condition you lay down when we married, Kathryn, was that we don't share a bed. Fine. I understand that. But how long did you plan to be Carina's mother? Till we got home? Till she was old enough to understand that her real mother died when she was born?"

"Chakotay, I - "

"I thought this was something we could work at, that even as the conditions still stand - yours, by the way - it would be a permanent arrangement..."

"That's exactly what this is, Chakotay. An arrangement."

This time her let out a soft curse. "It's becoming ridiculous. Once we had something, Kathryn, something very real and meaningful. We - we can have that again."

"I've put off..." He saw her hesitation. "Look, I know you don't love me - "

A heavy silence ensued. A timeless moment in which Kathryn's words hung like water drops about to be released with aching slowness until finally, unable to hold on to the boughs, they faced the inevitable plunge to earth. Chakotay swallowed hard before he found his voice.

"What did you say?"

"And then...something else. Maybe that's why I..." Another pregnant pause. "Something I should have told you at the time it happened. It is about Seven and the accident - "

The intrusion when it came, almost made Chakotay swear loudly again.

"Bridge to Janeway." Tuvok's voice sounded placid, even.

"Janeway here. Go ahead, Commander."

"We've picked up the presence of five vessels on our long range sensors, Captain."

"I'm on my way."

"Captain."

"Tuvok?"

"We're in Grenorian space..."

"I know. Hell..."

Kathryn gave Chakotay a pained look, then moved quickly towards the door of her cabin.

"Chakotay, see that the children are prepared for the emergency." He rushed after her to the door.

"Kathryn, wait! What were you going to say about Seven?"

But Kathryn was gone and Carina had started crying.

************ 

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

 "It's alright, Commander. You're needed on the bridge. We'll secure the little ones," Marla Gilmore assured him.

Chakotay knew the wisdom of Marla's words. Kathryn just dropped two almighty clangers and left him hanging. He was stewing inside, dying to get hold of Kathryn somewhere they could be completely alone and demand she explain her words. Two things rang like the peal of bells from a bell tower. Kathryn thinking he didn't love her? And what was it she wanted to say about Seven and the accident?

"Commander?"

Marla's voice drove through his skull, it felt like to him, and he was brought to the present. Carina held out her arms to him. Leaning forward, he kissed her.

"Sweetie, Marla and Samantha and Jenny and Noah are going to take care of you, okay?"

"Mommy..."

"Don't worry, honey, Mommy will soon be here..." he promised.

Carina had tears in her eyes. Chakotay sighed. He had to harden his heart this time. Miral kept herself busy with a PADD. Naomi had also come in to assist in taking care of the children. Owen Junior and Jamie Hamilton were nattering away and the littlest inmate, six month old Eleana who belonged to Noah and Susan Nicoletti were quickly secured in their seats.

"Everything's okay here, Commander. I hope there'll not be too much moving and shaking," Noah said soberly. They had had some disturbance before and they'd always kept all the children in the nursery where they were safe and several crew remained to look after them.

"I hope so too. I'll be in later, Noah."

Noah nodded and Chakotay left the nursery to the sound of Carina still sobbing after him. On the bridge, Kathryn was waiting for him as he seated himself next to her. There was no sign that she had been so distressed earlier or that she had responded so passionately to his kiss. She appeared cool, unfazed, though the way her fingers tapped on the armrest of her chair was evidence that trouble loomed ahead. There was no time now to press her for answers.

"The children?" she asked softly, not looking at him.

"They're all secured. Status?"

"They're closing in. We're in hailing range."

"Captain. They're powering up their weapons," Tuvok said in an even, unruffled voice.

"Harry, open a hail to the lead vessel!"

The next moment the face of a lizard-like alien appeared on the viewscreen. He looked Cardassian, Chakotay thought. And, he looked belligerent.

"You are in Grenorian space," the alien lisped.

"We are aware of that, Commandant. But we were given to understand that the Albemarle have secured a truce with your people to allow safe passage for any vessel - "

"We do not recognise your vessel as belonging to these sectors," came the bark from the alien.

"We have an agreement with the Albemarlians that we would be guaranteed safe passage through this sector, Commandant."

"And you do not listen!"

"Kathryn, now is the time - "

"Shields up!"

"Kathryn!" Chakotay whispered urgently as he saw the alien's hand go up, obviously a signal to the unseen members on his bridge. He shook his head and turned to look at Tuvok. The Security Chief nodded and raised a hand. "Kathryn...we have only eight photon torpedoes left - "

"Which we hopefully won't have to use," she replied.

"Be prepared, Captain of the starship Voyager, to suffer the consequence."

"Tom, evasive maneuver Omega 3!"

The ship keeled sharply as Tom anticipated the enemy fire.

"Tom!"

"Harry, send a signal to the Albemarle," Chakotay ordered as he moved swiftly to Harry's station.

"Aye, sir!"

The first salvo hit Voyager's starboard side and Tom pulled the vessel swift and hard to port.

"We're sitting ducks, Captain!" Tom cried out as he was flung from his chair but instantly resumed his position at the conn.

"Shields down 80%. Hull breach on deck 11."

"Tuvok! Fire a photon torpedo, on my mark."

"Aye, Captain."

There were two more jolts of the vessel that threw Kathryn off her feet.

"Now!"

Chakotay's reaction was swift as he helped Kathryn up. He watched as the torpedo sped towards the lead vessel. The next moment a ball of fire lit up the dark expanse as the vessel exploded. But the four supporting vessels of the  small fleet returned fire.

"You'll not get the better of us. Fire!"

"Captain!"

The next moment as the photon torpedo was released, Voyager's bridge was rocked by a direct hit.

Chakotay was thrown off his feet, stunned momentarily as a piece of the bulkhead rammed his back and pinned him to the floor. When he look up drunkenly, it was in time to see Kathryn landing with a thud, then lying still.

"Kathryn!" He crawled to her while Tom was back at the conn, pulling Voyager hard to starboard. Kathryn lay deathly still, blood oozing from a wound to her head. "Kathryn..." Then Voyager rocked as another salvo hit her full on.

Chakotay hit his commbadge.

"Bridge to the Doctor. Beam Captain Janeway to sickbay. She's been injured."

The minute Kathryn was gone, Chakotay staggered to his feet and looked at the viewscreen. Three enemy vessels were still facing off, but there was a sudden lull. Turning to Tuvok, the Security Officer nodded.

"Five Albemarle vessels have arrived, Commander."

"And not a moment too soon," Tom said, relief clear in his voice. "We would have been toast."

After a tense minute during which Chakotay surmised that the Albemarle communicated with the Grenori, they  watched in silence as the Grenorian vessels retreated.

"Report!" Chakotay kept his eyes on the viewscreen.

"So far, hull breaches only to decks 11, 13 and 15. No fatalities, but seven crew injured, Commander. Also, all is well in the nursery."

"Thank you, Tuvok."

"Commander, we're being hailed."

"On screen."

The face of the lead vessel's commander appeared, looking friendly. Chakotay breathed a sigh of relief.

"Captain Marok, we thank you for responding to our call so speedily."

"I am only sorry that you have suffered damage - "

"We have our repair teams on it. Do not worry," Chakotay replied. But inside he was seething with worry about Kathryn."

"Captain Janeway?"

"She is in our medical bay. She's suffered some injury."

"Please convey to her our apology. We shall follow Voyager until your vessel is out of Grenorian space."

"Thank you, Marok."

The next moment Marok's face was replaced by the black expanse.

"Commander?" Tom's face looked concerned. "Captain Janeway took a very heavy blow."

"I know," Chakotay sighed. "Tuvok, you have the bridge."

Chakotay shivered violently the moment he was within the confines of the turbolift on the way to sickbay. Kathryn's body was deathly still in the moment he had time to look at her. He cursed under his breath and rammed his fist into the bulkhead. As if on cue the turbolift doors opened and Chakotay practically ran down the corridor to the sickbay.

He was breathing heavily when he stepped inside, seeing the doctor at the farthest end where the main biobed was situated. Most of the other injured were treated already and were on their way out. Only Kathryn...

"Doc, how is she?" he asked, rushing to the bed. The dome was up and Kathryn's face, exposed, looked pale.

"I've fixed the broken bones, Commander."

"She looks like death. Is there something you're not telling me?

Chakotay froze when the doctor looked up from the monitor. The hologram's face was grave.

"Commander, there's not much more I can do for her. She has sustained head injuries."

Chakotay remembered Kathryn's head banging against the bulkhead before she landed.

"And?" he asked, trying not to lose his cool.

"The measures I've tried are insufficient for her to attain consciousness. It may be a few hours, or days - "

"When she wakes up?"

"She'll be fine then.  But for now, nothing is certain. I'll monitor her progress every minute for the next few days..."

Chakotay didn't hear the EMH. Instead, he had taken a chair and sat down next to the bed, his hand touching Kathryn's forehead gently.

"Oh, Kathryn..." he whispered. "This can't be happening to me again. Not now..."

Kathryn didn't move. When the EMH stood next to him, he hardly noticed the touch on his shoulder.

"I am sorry, Commander. There is hope. The Captain is alive..."

The doctor moved away again. Chakotay touched Kathryn's cheek, too pale still, with no movement under the closed eyelids that might have indicated she was about to come out of her unconscious state. What was she going to tell him? How could she think that he didn't love her? He shook his head. It was difficult after Seven died, he admitted. He could not recall the good moments they had in their short marriage. They produced a beautiful baby, but throughout Seven's pregnancy he had been more an observer than an expectant father, still unable to let go of his past, of the life on New Earth he had with Kathryn. It always came back to her.

But Seven died, he grieved. His grieving was over. When Carina began to establish herself for good in his heart and his life, there was only one woman he could ever hope to share the precious and wonderful experience of raising the child.

Now Kathryn, after eighteen months of caring for their daughter, believed that he didn't love her. Truth was, he didn't stop loving her. What he felt, what they had before, all his good memories of Kathryn, had simply been taken out of the chest tucked away in a corner of his heart and opened again.

Truth was, he thought Kathryn hated him; Kathryn didn't love him and her rules of marriage rose like Colossus between them. It closed him off and shut him out of becoming something meaningful for her again. He knew his relationship with Seven must have hurt her, but she had borne that so well, had hidden it so well, it was easy to believe nothing existed between them. Kathryn showered all her affection on the child and was always at pains to keep him at a distance

The kiss was inevitable; Kathryn wanted it as much as he did. It burned him up, the way she responded. Then she left him hanging.

"She'll not wake now, Commander. There's a little sprite in the nursery demanding her parent's attention." The Doctor's words brought him to the reality. Chakotay nodded, the bleakness stretching before him. He touched Kathryn's forehead.

"You've got to live, Kathryn. We have a daughter and we need you...." he whispered.

***

"See, Carina? Mommy is sleeping," Chakotay assured the child as he held her to plant a kiss on Kathryn's cheek.

"Wakey, Mommy..." Carina ordered, her cheeks still tear stained. He had gone to fetch her from the nursery and now, he hoped that Carina's voice might trigger her mother to open her eyes.

"Come, wake up, Kathryn," he implored softly.

"Mommy sleeping," Carina repeated, her tears about to roll again..

He turned to the crewman who had been waiting patiently.

"Carina, honey, Noah is going to look after you and Owen in the nursery."

"Mommy..."

He held the child to Noah and quickly, Noah's deep voice was enough to calm Carina. Chakotay sighed with relief, glad that Carina could be assured her mother was still only sleeping. He had to be on duty soon, but Kathryn's words throbbed with maddening regularity in his mind. It would follow him to the bridge, to their quarters, every step he took in any direction.

"Please, Kathryn...wake up..."

"She'll not do that, Commander," came the doctor's voice. "In fact..."

Chakotay's ears pricked at the changed tone of the doctor's voice. It sounded grave like earlier, but then there had been a hopeful air to it. Now, there was a hollow ring to it.

"What is it, Doctor? My wife - "

"There's something retarding her progress to the light, Commander. She does not appear to want to wake up."

"But you said - "

"I know. Now, given the latest test results, I am of the opinion that there are some things she does not wish to remember."

He couldn't think of anything, other than what she mentioned about Seven and the accident. But that was over eighteen months ago. What could be so painful that Kathryn didn't want to wake up? He sighed again.

"I guess we'll have to wait, then..."

"I'll do my best, Commander."

But Chakotay, giving the unconscious Kathryn a quick kiss on the lips, headed for the sickbay doors.

"Commander! Where are you going?"

Chakotay didn't reply. He had suddenly thought of something. Whatever it was that kept Kathryn in her comatose state, had to do with Seven.  The only person on Voyager who could throw any light on the matter, was Tuvok.

He remembered vaguely a period he was too distraught too take in any solace from anyone, that Janeway said, "Tuvok  is conducting a full investigation..."

Why didn't he ever follow it up?

********************* 

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

Chakotay wiped his brow with the back of his hand. The outburst had been unexpected but short. He had thrown the PADD against the bulkhead, then staggered to pick it up where it slid to the floor. The bile that had risen and threatened nausea had been suppressed so viciously that his skin had become damp; he had been overcome by a momentary dizziness. He saw Tuvok through a haze and slowly the Vulcan's face became clear as the haze receded. Beads of perspiration kept forming on his forehead, making the occasional wipe ineffectual; his breathing laboured. He alternated between shock, anger, outrage and bitterness. It had been preceded by disbelief, a furious denial of the evidence before him. Tuvok appeared unfazed by his outburst and stood on the other side of the desk as impassive as ever.

For a moment, Chakotay wanted to punch the Vulcan's face, if only to elicit some response, an emotion however unrelated to the present situation. That urge was gone in a moment and when he had given himself enough time to calm down he took in a deep breath and expelled it slowly.

"Why did you hide this from me?" he bit out. "I notice the entries were made two days after Seven and Dillinger died."

"Captain Janeway ordered me to withhold the results from you."

"In God's name, why? To save me extra pain out of some mistaken belief that I can't deal with it? Is that it?"

Tuvok shifted, but remained expressionless.

"I cannot tell you what the Captain's motivations were, other than as you correctly state, you were not ready to deal with it."

"The truth, Tuvok, would not have killed me!"

It seemed to him that Tuvok's mouth pulled into a smile. If he didn't know any better, the Vulcan could have been doing just that.

"That was what I told the Captain. It could be that she may have wished for you to preserve the good memories you have of Seven of Nine."

Chakotay almost choked.

"What? Why did she presume to second-guess and project how I should feel and not feel?"

"You may recall, Commander, you called the Captain many names in the days after Seven of Nine died. Also, your emotional disposition at the time was such that the Captain felt it necessary to shield you from more trauma. The Captain's first priority was the baby who needed immediate attention - "

At the mention of Carina, Chakotay subsided a bit. He sat down, defeated. He wanted to cry, felt like a hundred dams were about to burst their walls. It was all there, the damning evidence which Kathryn kept from him to protect him and ultimately, Carina.

"I apologise for my behaviour, Tuvok. Kathryn acted in my best interest - "

"Acknowledged. I did again inform the Captain to make the results known to you the day you married. It had been her express wish then, even more than before, not to tell you."

_Because she had more to lose..._

Kathryn had very little outlet for the burdens she carried and heaven knew, he didn't provide much of a support in the last year. His feelings for her had resurged with a great force and in the last year it had taken great effort to hide it from her and not scare her off. He wanted her and their kiss was proof enough that she was ready to let go of those conditions. If only... He had to tell her how he felt. She thought he didn't love her. He had been all kinds of a fool...

"It may be the key to her recovery, Tuvok. I must tell her there is nothing to worry about, nothing to forgive. It still remains a shock that  Seven of Nine could have sabotaged the shuttle to kill her, Dillinger and the baby..."

"It was very cleverly done, Commander, and almost completely undetected. I found encryptions so embedded it would have escaped the attention of another officer."

"She couldn't be accused of pilot error, Tuvok. She was an accomplished pilot. She manufactured an accident..."

"That was why it was easy to detect foul play."

"Are you saying you knew what to look for before you even started?"

"I operated on the principal that a routine mission, a shuttle that had been overhauled only days before by Lieutenant Paris, with no other elements of danger during its flight, couldn't crash without any reason. Also - " Tuvok paused and Chakotay cast him a quick glance and rose to his feet again.

"Also?"

"I assumed that sabotage could not be ruled out and my investigation proved that it was indeed your then wife, Commander. The encryptions bore her signature, her modus operandi as you say. No other individual on board could use those codes which were part Borg..."

"Next question: why did she do it?"

Did Tuvok sigh and give him a long-suffering stare? Chakotay shook his head, certain he imagined those reactions from Tuvok. And Kathryn? Did she feel her guilt so great that she preferred to dwell in the darkness? She had given Seven the order...

"You should search within yourself, Commander, to answer that question..."

**********

His heart was heavy. Kathryn lay in sickbay, unable - unwilling - to come out of her coma and Carina was fretful because her Mommy couldn't wake up. Chakotay, at his wits' end, asked B'Elanna to organise day care for Carina for a few days so that he could sit with Kathryn and talk to her.

He had to convince his wife that he loved her. Somewhere in the dark depths where Kathryn was dwelling, she thought he didn't and she thought he would condemn her for withholding the details of Seven's accident from him; she felt extreme guilt sending Seven on that fateful mission. She thought he would take Carina from her. Kathryn had discovered that Seven had meant to crash the shuttle and she kept this terrible secret from everyone, held it close to her heart where it festered. Why didn't he see how it burdened her? Every single decision made by her, many with far reaching consequences, and others of moral and ethical proportions, coming home one day and having to account for everything that happened on board Voyager... For some of those things that happened, she could face court martial once they got home. Starfleet would want to know everything...  If Kathryn didn't want to wake up, he could understand. But, she had a ship to run; she had to be mother to Carina and... He sighed. She had to remain his wife.

B'Elanna had given him a jaundiced look when he approached her.

"So, what was all that about in the ready room? We thought you'd bite Tuvok's head off."

B'Elanna had Carina tugging one hand and Owen the other, but she looked totally in control of the two. Miral was there to lend a hand.

"Something about the accident."

"Oh. That."

"What's that supposed to mean, Torres?"

"We always suspected Seven sabotaged the shuttle."

"Am I the last to know?"

"Yes. You have no idea what Kathryn Janeway had given up, do you? You've been living  -  excuse me, staying in the shared,  separate but equal quarters - with Kathryn Janeway for more than a year and you're supposed to be best friends, yet you're completely ignorant of what was happening or how she suffered."

He didn't want to remind her that he wasn't a model officer and man in the early days after Seven's death. But B'Elanna touched something, and he felt his anger rise. Carina looked like she wanted to cry, but Owen stuck his tongue out at her and she laughed again.

"I know. I wasn't paying attention. But what happens in our quarters is not your business, Torres. I should crack that skull - "

"Have a go all you want. Seven wanted to kill herself. Don't you know?"

He blanched. B'Elanna was disarmingly direct, pulled no punches.

"Know what?"

B'Elanna gave a coarse sigh of exasperation.

"See? When you're best friends, you miss important signals.  And let me tell you - when you're married, you miss those signals too. Were you totally blind?"

"And the lesson on Friendship and Marriage 201 Advanced?" he asked sarcastically. He was itching to get back to Kathryn's side. There was still no progress, but he wanted to be with her.

"Well, you three formed a cute little triangle. The man, the wife and the best friend."

"God, B'Elanna. You make it sound sordid."

B'Elanna pulled the children along as she stepped closer to Chakotay. Her eyes were fevered.

"You were wearing both women down, Chakotay. You know why it's good to stand on the fringes and look in? You're not involved, so your judgment isn't compromised. You view things objectively and anyone who cared to look - as everyone apparently did - could see what you didn't. The Captain played an award winning performance and totally blinded you to the reality. Seven couldn't play so she removed herself from the equation. Only, she didn't reckon that our medical hologram would save a baby from the wreckage of your little triangle. Carina was not supposed to live, Chakotay..."

"Damn you..."

"You'd walk to Janeway's quarters to discuss things, and however much it seemed very normal and innocent to you since you've always done it, it wasn't to Seven, nor the Captain."

Chakotay blanched at B'Elanna's statement. Seven always said she didn't mind...

"I'm sorry, Chakotay." B'Elanna lifted Carina in her arms and held the child close to her. "Seven couldn't see any other way out of the wreckage to leave you with the woman you really love."

He closed his eyes. Seven almost killed their child. She killed herself and an innocent fellow crewman. He had loved Seven but deep down he knew, he worshipped Kathryn Janeway. Seven had been aware all the time. The pieces of the puzzle were all slowly falling into place. Chakotay could finally see the completed picture. Kathryn would respectfully stand one side and Seven? Seven would never speak of her own sorrow.

"I can't hate her, Torres."

"No, I guess not. She was only human..."

********** 

This time the dome was down and Chakotay could take Kathryn's cold hand in his the moment he sat down next to the bed. Her face had a little more colour and he was hopeful that she'd soon come out of her coma.

The doctor hovered in the background. When he had entered, the EMH had just shaken his head. There wasn't anything he could do for Kathryn. He could make her comfortable, see that the lights were kept at low illumination, but short of shaking her by the shoulders, he couldn't do much else.

Chakotay raised his free hand to touch her forehead. A pain shot through him, his chest exploding as Kathryn's fingers curled around his. Did she sense his presence?

"Oh, please, Kathryn.... I'm not angry. Just come back to us...to me..." he pleaded very softly. The intense pain in his chest subsided a little, but he felt a wheeze and knew he'd be short of breath.

"Just keep talking," the doctor advised. "It's clear the Captain is actually responding to your presence, Commander."

Chakotay nodded, then kept stroking Kathryn's hand.

"I wasn't much of a warrior, was I?" he started softly. "I should have known. I should have stormed your fences and stayed inside, right from the very beginning. Even when you wouldn't let me anymore, I should have resisted the fences you put up. You did put them up, did you know? Only, I was a fool for not realising just why. Maybe it wasn't that you wanted to get us all home and you were too aware of your duty; maybe it was just that you didn't trust your own feeling. But I should have known you'd hide from me and keep me out..."

Hope flared brightly when Kathryn's hand twitched.

"I want to tell you I wasn't much of a man to let you get away from me. I wasn't much of a man to walk into someone else's arms because of it... But Kathryn, don't you see? I still couldn't let you go. My heart is still tied to yours for eternity..."

Chakotay leaned over and pressed his lips to Kathryn's. Long he remained like that, perhaps hoping that there would be some reaction. A sob escaped him, and the tear that rolled down his cheek was one he couldn't prevent. It seared into his neck and finally dripped on Kathryn. He sat back again, not caring whether the doctor witnessed his outburst. Kathryn's cheeks were damp. He touched the dampness tenderly, then buried his head against her.

***

It was long past midnight when Chakotay raised his head from Kathryn's bosom. His neck felt stiff and he rubbed it, blinking several times to come fully awake. Kathryn hadn't stirred when he moved and his heart sank. He didn't want to leave her side. Tom and Tuvok were in charge on the bridge, and Carina was taken care of. He could stay for as long as it took Kathryn to recover. Their vessel was accompanied by three Albemarle vessels until they were out of Grenorian space. At least as far was their journey was concerned, he didn't have to worry.

"Kathryn..." he whispered. "Open your eyes, please..."

A hand touched his shoulder. It was the EMH.

"Commander, you've been here for three days. I'll call you as soon as there is a change in the Captain's condition - "

"No. I'll stay. It's nothing. She - "

"Chakotay...?"

Her voice sounded thin, weak. Chakotay swung round. Kathryn's eyes were open and fixed on him. He sank thankfully into the chair and scooped her hands into his.

"Kathryn..." Her name tore from his throat, a hoarse sound that was more a sound than a name.

Her eyes looked tired, but they never wavered. He heard vaguely the doctor moving away from them..

"It was dark, Chakotay."

"I know, my love - "

"My...love?" He saw her frown, noticed only now how dry her lips were. Her eyes were sunken, yet the heat poured from them.

"Yes," he whispered, leaning forward to press his fevered lips against hers. When he sat back, there remained a question in her eyes. "I love you, Kathryn. I - I don't think I ever stopped. I need you in my life, always.  I need you for me, not just a mother to our little girl, but as my wife..." 

A ghost of a smile formed.

"You love me, still?"

He enfolded her hand in his and brought it to his lips. Kathryn tried to raise her head, but fell back. She was still weak and she needed to rest. He nodded and when he took her hand away, was surprised again that it was wet with his tears. Her eyes were still fevered, but the soft sigh that escaped her told him that his words made her happy.

"I wanted to tell you...about the - the accident..." she started, trying to lift herself up again. He pressed her gently back against the headrest.

"I know everything, Kathryn. Don't be afraid..."

"Tuvok said - "

"A man will not die from hearing the truth."

"Yes. I - the burden was too heavy... I should have told - "

"Shhh... No more guilt, okay?"

She looked long at him, so long that he thought she'd slip into a coma again.

"And Carina?" she asked.

He sighed.

"One day, Kathryn, when she is old enough to understand, we'll tell her about a good woman who gave birth to her."

Kathryn smiled tiredly, but her hand remained in his. The doctor had appeared again.

"How are you feeling, Captain?" he asked.

"I want to get up here." 

Chakotay smiled at her words. The relief sprang from deep within him. Kathryn was in fighting mood again. Ready to fight the doctor and ready to fight him.

"Oh, no, Captain. You are not well. You've been in a coma for four days. Your body needs rest. Your husband here - "

"Is ready to take his wife home, Doc."

"Commander!"

"Chakotay..."

"Yes?"

"Get me out of here."

Chakotay was ready to lift Kathryn to a sitting position when the doctor intervened.

"At least let me make certain the Captain is out of the woods. You wouldn't want to bring her back here only hours after she discharged herself."

They waited interminable minutes while the EMH completed his examination.

"There, that's done. I advise you to take it easy over the next few days, Captain."

Chakotay only half listened to the doctor's words. His eyes were on Kathryn; he touched her cheek gently and smiled. She was sitting up and made a move to slide off the  bed.

"No, you're not walking out here," he said firmly.

"Chakotay?"

"I'll bring her in here tomorrow for a check-up, Doc, but right now, the Captain wants to go home."

He lifted her in his arms, his heart bursting with love as she clung to him, her arms tightly round his neck. All the way to their quarters they were met by those crew still moving about during Gamma shift. Chakotay smiled inwardly at their looks of surprise and joy at the same time. When they reached the cabin, Chakotay eased her to her feet, keyed in the codes and lifted her into his arms again as the doors slid open.

"We're home," he whispered close to her face.

Minutes later she lay on the bed. He pulled the cover over her and sat down next to her. Her hand in his was small and warm, and trusting. Chakotay kissed her tenderly. He felt a thrill coursing through him as she responded. Breaking contact reluctantly, he smoothed her hair away from her face, then rested his fingers against her lips. Her eyes closed. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. The moment was hallowed, quiet, the soft thrumming of the ship's engines the only sound as they remained like that for several minutes.

"Chakotay..."

"Hmmm?"

"Tell me again that you love me..."

"I love you, Kathryn..."

Chakotay smiled as he said the words, for Kathryn's drooping eyes had closed and she gave in to the mercy of sleep.

****

TBC - Finale to follow


	12. Chapter 12

* * *

Kathryn woke slowly, feeling slightly disoriented until she felt something beside her. She frowned, then the frown changed to a pleasurable sigh as she touched Chakotay's sleeping frame lightly. She had no idea when he had joined her in the bed. She also suspected Carina was sleeping in with one of the regular child minders on board.

She couldn't remember much of the accident. She remembered Chakotay's kiss and the heavy air that hung about them before she was hailed by Tuvok. Then everything had become just too chaotic to think about his kiss and the way she had responded. One moment she had looked at Chakotay as she issued a command and the next, the bridge lit up in a shower. The bright light was the last thing she saw, the last she remembered until she woke from her coma, and that she was told, was four days later.

She had been too afraid to let her guard down, to show him that she loved him. Always, she had considered his own feelings for the late Seven of Nine; she had continued to make herself believe that he was still in love with Seven. She was too afraid of the disappointment that would follow. But Chakotay's declaration left her finally casting off her old fears. Chakotay loved her; his feelings were as strong and as deep as it had been on New Earth. She needn't have any fears now. She could be free to show and shower her love, to love their little girl openly as wholly hers. That had been the niggling doubt.

Carina was angelic, yet already strong-willed and ready to fight her own battles. Kathryn smiled inwardly. Carina and Owen were constantly fighting, yet there were times B'Elanna called her to watch the two sleeping, completely given over to the world of peace about them. Her hair was blonde, like Seven's and her eyes the piercing blue of some children. Carina resembled her natural mother and Kathryn knew that she would one day question that. She was ready for anything. She had fallen in love with the child from the moment of her traumatic birth. It was still uncanny to her, an inexplicable aspect of the psyche she supposed, the way Carina had taken to her.

Breastfeeding Carina had been an utterly awesome experience, and those times especially when the child was drinking, had been miraculous. Her vow that she was doing it as a favour to her first officer and friend soon changed when all she wanted to do was claim the baby as hers. Chakotay's words had stung very deeply, yet what she had been doing for Carina had not been a way to prove that she could be a mother. Even Chakotay's attitude changed. Her response was a natural as that of any mother, as instinctive as if she had given birth to their daughter. He had seen it, been overcome by humility.

She remembered one evening when Carina had been fretful. At only two months old, she had started to smile already and when Chakotay had called her to look in on the baby, Carina's face, red from crying, broke into a smile. From that moment, Chakotay had requested that Carina room in with her so that she could be with the baby during the night too. It was an arrangement that worked. Yet, there was always the reality of having to release the baby to her father once she was weaned off the breast.

"I must remind you that this is only an arrangement, Commander."

"I know. She's very close to you, Kathryn. I don't see how - "

"Don't dwell on it. When the time is right, you'll have a healthy baby back with you."

"Kathryn..."

"I'm not her mother, Chakotay."

"You will keep on reminding me of one of the worst things I ever said to you," he replied, deflated.

"No, I'm just establishing the parameters."

They had been heading for an argument even as she held the tiny baby in her arms that night.

"Dammit, Kathryn," he hissed angrily.

She didn't relent. She should have then, but all she could see was a man who grieved for his dead wife. All she could see was a man still in love with his wife. Chakotay had stalked out of her quarters, leaving her with the baby. Later that night, when Carina was sleeping peacefully, she had gone to see him in his quarters. He had been sitting head in his hands, and it looked to her again as if his shoulders shook.

"Hey..."

"What do you want?"

"I want to apologise. It's difficult for me too, you know. I need to remain detached and - and I can't. Carina is a living, breathing, beautiful baby... " She paused, then sighed deeply when he didn't respond to her words. "Look, let's just get over the first hurdle with Carina, okay?"

Only then Chakotay had looked up. He had taken her hand in his and held it long.

"Thank you."

"I'm doing it for - "

"Carina, yes. But as Carina's Daddy, I am thanking you on her behalf. Truce?"

"Truce."

After that, and until they had stormed her safe haven while on shore leave a month later, the air had been cleared and the old camaraderie had returned. Their proposal - Carina had looked ridiculously pretty and totally adorable wrapped in her soft white terry robe - had stunned her, but her acceptance had been given not without once again establishing some rules.

She needed those rules not to protect her from Chakotay, but from herself.

Kathryn gave a deep sigh. Chakotay was still soundly asleep and she enjoyed these moments she could look at his sleeping frame. His hair was showing grey already, but still maintained in the neat, short brush he had when she saw him the first time on his own vessel. Thoughts of what they had on New Earth came to her. It was a beautiful memory, one she would cherish for the rest of her life, but even better was his presence in her life now, as her husband who loved her and whom she loved desperately.

Now, she didn't want to think of duty and command and felt assured that everything was under control. Chakotay would quietly have gone about organising things, leaving her to recuperate. She was even anticipating the thrill of the confrontation if she showed up on the bridge and he thought it was too early for her to resume duty.

She lay on her back with her hand still on Chakotay's body. Once, they had always touched and now the desire to remain connected with him in a physical way was overpowering. She wondered how he had come to know about the results of the shuttle crash investigations. Tuvok was under orders not to divulge anything and Chakotay must have thought about it when she herself  had been injured. Kathryn gave a little smile. She would have liked to see the Tuvok - Chakotay confrontation. Chakotay would have stormed Tuvok and demanded he parted with the evidence. Still, she had been out of her mind with worry, with keeping the knowledge to herself. The findings had shocked her intensely. It was to her inconceivable to imagine that Seven of Nine could knowingly do herself, her unborn baby and Crewman Dillinger harm. By the time they were in the shuttle, Seven must have  been truly overcome with a certain need to die. Some unknown evil force had taken hold of the former Borg and turned her into a person who was willing to kill, even a small baby.

Kathryn closed her eyes. It had been that thought that had terrorised her the past eighteen months. The fact that Seven was prepared to kill her baby as well made her inside crawl with fury. A tear escaped and ran unchecked down her cheek as she thought of the sorry mess they had been in. She knew that she was the reason Seven died, and not because she sent them on that mission. There was no other reason in the universe do take the path she had taken. Seven of Nine had become more human in the three years she was married to Chakotay, but she had never, not even for a moment, acted irrationally for she wasn't an irrational being. Her death had been thought out, cleverly planned to kill three innocent beings. Kathryn knew her presence in Chakotay's life, not as his commander officer and colleague, but his closest friend had affected Seven. 

She had kept as far away from the couple as possible, never ever intruded upon their privacy and those times that Chakotay had been in her quarters discussing reports with her, had been unavoidable. It was necessary, but Kathryn conceded that even the most innocuous of situations were read differently by others. She had kept her distance, kept their association on a strictly business level, and enjoyed their old camaraderie those moments when the situation necessitated them being alone in one another's company.

Giving a deep sigh, she settled again and wormed closer to Chakotay. They had never shared a bed on Voyager, and New Earth was light-years away. Yet, she had dreamed of him, dreamed of just such a time that he would claim his place next to her. She had been too afraid, always convincing herself he didn't love her. But his eyes on her when she woke from her coma, the desperate way in which he clung to her... If he didn't, what would then have happened?

A small cry escaped her and she clutched at her bosom, feeling it almost as a physical pain. Chakotay stirred when she shuddered and was awake a moment later. She lay taking in deep breaths.

"Hey..."

"I - I don't recall giving you permission to be in my bed," she said, attempting to tease him.

"Oh, yes. You woke once during the night and called me."

"I did?" She didn't recall it, but so many nights she had dreamed of him, even imagined she called out his name. "Then I'm glad you're here."

He lay on his side, facing her. He looked at her, a penetrating stare. She sensed he was thinking of Seven, of the accident...

"I know what Seven did, Kathryn. I don't blame you for keeping the truth from me. I'm glad I know now. I'm just so sorry about everything."

"It festered, here," she replied, her hand resting against her heart. "I'm sorry too, that I didn't tell you. You were so distraught at the time, not even looking at the baby for days..."

Chakotay buried his face against her; his body was wracked by long shudders. She thought he was crying, but when he looked at her again, his eyes burned into her.

"I felt guilty too, Kathryn, that I didn't love her enough, or as she deserved to be loved. She sensed it and always..." He choked up and her hands touched his head, pulled him close to her again.

"Competed, Kathryn..."

Kathryn sighed. She knew what he meant. It wasn't necessary to embroider.

"I love you, Chakotay. I tried my best to be your best friend, and to a point I succeeded. I didn't want to lose that friendship. It was the only real one I had, one I cared too much about."

Chakotay was quiet after that. It seemed he mulled over something. Then he looked at her again, his body warm against her.

"And because of that, our daughter was given a chance to live."

"Our daughter. She is really mine now, isn't she?"

"You breastfed her, Kathryn. I don't think anyone could have imagined a greater deed of love than when you held Carina to your breast and saved her life. She took to you instantly, as if she always knew you..."

"It was a privilege to witness. I - I love her. I was afraid to, in the beginning. I didn't want to get too close to her. It would have meant that - "

"You would have come close to me..." Chakotay with dawning insight.

She kissed him, feeling gloriously alive as his lips moved under hers, his arms encircling her body. She felt his shudders, heard his deep moan as her body answered his own passionate need. There were no words spoken, just a quiet, gentle exploration of their bodies as they remembered, touched, kissed, joined.

He said, after it was over, "I wanted the best of both worlds, Kathryn. It couldn't be. I had a wife, but I wanted my friend too. I just didn't see how it hurt you both. You are my world now. Not two worlds, but one - my friend and my wife, one and the same person. I'm happy..."

"So am I..."

Much later - she must have fallen asleep - she heard Chakotay get up, pull on his robe and move towards the door of her side of their quarters. She heard Sam Wildman's voice, followed by Carina's excited screech as the child demanded to be put down. 

Kathryn thought her heart would burst with joy as Carina toddled into the bedroom. Her beloved little girl, laughing and crying at the same time. Carina's hair flowed behind her.  Kathryn was sitting up in bed and Carina paused a moment when she reached it, looking straight at her mother. A sob, followed by a broad smile...

"Come here, my little angel," Kathryn said, opening her arms.

"Mommy!"

*************

END

 

*** Next up: "Strangers when we meet" - a novel.


End file.
